i really really miss you :(

"you have stolen my heart."
please please pleaseee give it back.

still in math and chem hysteria :)
i fell asleep while doing some probability stuff.
math makes me sleepy,
and with my whole insomniac thing im finding it harder and harder to sleep at night.
i did pretty well on my math test, and im kind of happy because of that.
i'd be even more happier if i do well on the finals!

i thought about what we could have been again, i mean if he was still with me.
and i realized that only then would i feel at all, complete..

this is it. the week before finals. i have some math to review tonight and all of chem,
then next week is math hysteria and stuff in between.
everything's been quite dreary lately.
im still in this semiconscious dreamland,
and i'm still looking for the way out.
with so much work, it's hard for me to notice that im still living with memories of the past, as if it happened today and will repeat itself tomorrow.
but when i have a few seconds to myself, like right now, i think about it and realize that as much as i want to try to always leave the past and pretend that it's not there, it will be, i can leave the past but the past won't ever leave me.

11. the first boy is always the hardest.

but despite all that, i keep myself super busy with stuff. take today for example, i taught sunday school with theresia and it was amazingly fun :) i just love kids, especially six year old boys who writes manchester united on the bible poster and chubby ones who DEMANDS that everyone works together to, as quoted- "MEMBANGUN DUNIA". hilarity is a necessity and i think with sunday school i have enough laughs to last me a lifetime :)
most of the kids think im korean every since i wrote saranghae on the bible poster and on some of their cross. one went up to me today and asked if im actually korean. it's always nice to pretend :)
and then after that we had breakfast at planet noodle. then we treated ourself with ice cream. this time it was vanilla with tim tam crunch which reminds me of that time in melbourne when we melt tim tams in hot chocolate.
it doesn't taste that good in jakarta though. i tried :(

if you feel like forgetting someone why not try giving sunday school a go (:

it's not about always being perfect and it's not about getting everything right all the time. it's about seeing things perfectly and when you're able to see everything perfectly, everything suddenly becomes perfect :)

i think i got this math test covered :)
im pretty sure of that,
and this whole thriving under pressure thing is working
which just goes to show that sometimes in life you end up falling
and all you have to do is keep on dancing through

oh and i got my mini art mannequin done :) i only have the fashion illustrations left. and the physics lab report is kind of calling my name, oh and an english test, and some weird speak up thing which i can't even remember.

and then finals all the way :)

but at least i got my mini mannequin done!

i failed my math test :(
i had never done this bad on math
and i used to love it. i don't know what happened.
i studied really hard and i knew how to do everything.
maybe it was because i didn't have that much sleep last night,
maybe because you turned me into an insomniac and now i spend every night crying and think of what we could have been.
i need you back.
everything is breaking without you here.

i just don't get why some people us bring other people down, in order to make themselves feel better and i just don't get why some people would do anything to be smart or look smart, anything meaning hurting people in the way. everyone's smart in their own ways, and when you make someone else feel bad for who they are, you're breaking somebody's smile, and smiles are hard to return when they're real. even the best falls down sometimes (being a perfectionist i have now come to an understanding that NOTHING can ever be thoroughly perfect) and when you've fallen, you'll realize that beauty is not a face or a grade but a heart.
lately i haven't thought about him a lot, and i don't cry that much anymore. i know that i haven't forgotten and that im far from that actually, but something's happening, and now im beginning to realize that i don't need him to smile.


i have all the love i need :)

take small steps now

9. don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened

i want a perfect daaay :(
i have been falling into the latter categories of sadness and staying there. this is where i've been living at this past year. sadness, things that are broken, and everything in between.
take this week for example. last week i found out that i did EXTREMELY WELL on everything they handed back from before the break.
and now?
i just had a math test an hour ago and im not quite sure whether i even passed it, let alone pass with flying colours.
sometimes i loathe being a perfectionist, because when it's not perfect then it's nothing :(
it's like everytime im happy, something pulls me back down and when it's not something thats real, it's the ethereal, the forgotten, you- without you even knowing it.
maybe if you were here, i'd feel more safe.
maybe if you were here i'd know that perfection isn't something thats far away, but close.
maybe because when i'm with you, i have all the perfection i need.

im lost in a wonderland and im trying to find the way out.

love always hopes.

what if you don't have the strength to hope anymore? what if you fall once you hear the word love, and close your eyes trying to block every insignia of its existence? what if you're just too hurt to keep on hoping?

is it not love then? is love all perfect and everything right?

sometimes when you fall, you need all the strength and all the hope to believe that there's someone who'll catch you and when they're not there, you're left to stand up by yourself



8. love is everything beautiful, and ugly at the same time.



attempting to forget is really hard and i've been keeping myself busy with writing, homework, piano and taking pictures of socks. it's a little thing i'd like to call confining, and once again running away from what i could've done or still do. it's never too late, but i can't tell him, he won't understand, maybe it was all meant to be this way. just me alone with a thousand secrets that i wish i could tell.



one of my favorite socks picture:

i just don't get why some people think that talking about others behind their backs for the sake of being mean is okay, and i just don't get why some guys gossip more than girls.
loose lips sinking ship.
if you spend every second judging people, you won't ever learn to love.

im living a double life. i can't be happy and sad at the same time. it shouldn't be this way. all i need is for you to listen, time to rewind itself and maybe stop me for falling if that means loosing you as a friend.
all i need is you to listen, nothing else, just listen.

7. don't think or judge, just listen

i don't want to be sad, i really don't. and i thought that everything after spring break would be perfect, but i guess perfection is just too much to hope for. now i know that cliche can always be true. i am happy, i really am, but then i realized that im still trap with things inside and that those things will also be there, no matter how hard i try to avoid them. sometimes at class i'd think about them and everything would come haunting me again, with memories so scary that i need a place to hold on, a place where i can feel safe. this is the only place i can write about this, because no one will actually see the story of my life, the things that i can't tell anyone, but myself.

1. i just don't get how some people can take one tiny little mistake and make it into something big. sure, we used to be close friends and i want to still be close friends, but avoiding me in the hallways and not talking to me gives me the hint that she doesn't want to be close anymore, if not friends. at first i thought it was just me but then she started ignoring me in the hallways, my hellos, and didn't invite me to sit with her but invited the friend next to me once. when we're in big groups she talks to everyone except me and sometimes shoots me dirty looks that she obviously wants me to see. i still want you as a friend and i don't know whats happening. please, please tell me whats wrong.
this is where true friends come in. they're the ones who helps you glue all the broken pieces together. they never leave and they fill your everydays with laughter and smiles. - again, cliche- but true (: they know when somethings wrong and helps you find the way out. they're the ones who relentlessly sit beside you, a shoulder to cry on, a pack of kleenex at reach, and when you look up and see their smiling faces, you know that things will be okay.
thank you for being my true friends, you know who you are :)

2. sometimes i start thinking about him again, and how everything would be a lot different if i actually did something. i let things go and as always, only have regrettions to remind me of what happened before and what could've happened. life is filled with what ifs, and sometimes what ifs takes over existence, and you only live with thoughts of the past, haunting you each and everyday. i want to rewind and make it right, i really want to, but i can't, and if i did, ill hurt someone else in between and i can never do that.

3. sometimes holding things in is too much. you want to let everything out, no secrets, nothing hidden, but you can't. because sometimes things get ugly and you feel oblige to keep it inside, at least until you find the way out.
sometimes the way out takes a long long time to find.



6. why be sad when you can be happy :)

my first day back after spring break was something close to perfect :)
it really was.
i have amazing besties and i did really well on both my physics lab report and essay.

5. the world is a cold dark place not to have a best friend (if not best friends)

jessica also got me just listen for singapore .
thanks jess :)
and ive been spending the last hour reading it, only i have to stop now because i really need to start doing my speak up research thing.
the only thing that would make this day perfect would be him.
i need his existence. i need him to not just ignore me or shut me off but be there for me, right now. i'm still trying to get over the sadness thats been haunting me and find what once made me fully happy, but i can't do it when he's not here. it's like a piece of puzzle gone missing. it won't be perfect unless you have the last piece.
i need the piece he took away, back :(
sometimes i still dream about what we could have been. it's hard living a life filled with secrets. there's too much and when i feel like telling i can't tell the whole story, there's always this thing that i have to hide. sometimes all i need is understanding and even though my besties have given me that and more
there's one person who needs to listen and understand but apparently doesn't want to do so, you..

i can get over you, i know i can. there's just so many pieces and it'll take a long long time.

it's not always about me, me, me
sometimes you have to just let things go and let faith do the rest.
sometimes its okay to loose hope, because then that might be the only way out.
sometimes the answer to happiness is right in front of you, you're just to caught up with strands of the past to care or even see.
sometimes you don't need love to make you happy. sure it brings excitement and it's always nice to wake up and know that someone out there loves you very very much, but when you start hurting more than loving can you really go on?
Jesus did when He died on the cross. maybe that's the strength he's teaching us, giving us. maybe its how we need to stand up when we've fallen and keep going. we can only get stronger, at least now we know where we stand.
sometimes giving up isn't the answer.
sometimes the only other way is to walk from where you've fallen and see where life's surprises are taking you next.

take small steps now :)

4. always, always have the strength to stand up after falling.

i went to mixipod.com for a playlist, but it can't upload right. i tried changing the sizes but it still won't work. :(
i have two more days of holidays left and i'm spending most of it at church or at my room doing math.
i want something exciting to happen. the things that made me smile last year, i want to rewind time and smile again. i want my smile to be real.

3. silence is so freaking loud






happy easter
remember to live in Jesus' love love love

dear you,
remember that day when you told me that ive stolen your heart and you took mine too, well i've given yours back. please give me mine.
i'm tired of crying, of trying hard to forget; because i can't. and i know that i should forget, that after what you've done you're just not worth it. all my friends says so. but i still can forgive. i don't know why. but i still can forgive.
you don't know how it feels to see you with someone else. i know that you're happy and i can't be any happier for you; but sometimes i wonder why you did leave me; just like that. you told my bestie that you were over her that you like me, and that's why i liked you. i didn't want to like you if you still like her, because you've been with her longer and i don't want to ruin things for you. but you told me that you've forgotten. you told me that you want to move on. you told me that even though first love is hard to forget, there's always second love. but then you leave me. you ignored me for so long and all i had left were pictures and that's even sadder because those pictures reminds me of when you were once alive.
i don't know why i still like you. we haven't talked in a long long time. maybe it's just those memories that keeps on haunting me making it hard for me to forget. maybe it's all those pictures i still have and still look at sometimes with tears. maybe it's how now when i look in the mirror i don't see the girl i was before. i see someone else. someone with a broken smile. someone who you broke. im still trying to find all the pieces and glue them back together but i need you. i still do. you told me that you'll be my friend, if not best friend. but that's not even true. you didn't make that true. you blocked me and deleted me. you wanted to make her happy because you love her and i really truly understand. but by making her happy, you're slowly killing me. and although its nice to see you happy, to see all those pictures of you and her on facebook, i am still dying slowly inside. i need you to tell me whats wrong. why you left me. i need you to still talk to me as a friend.
you don't know what it's like to read an email from her friend saying that you only played with me and that its best that i forget. you don't know how many nights i spent cryin over that and thinking whether what happened was actually real. deep down i still believe that you won't do that, and even after you did, i still forgive. i still forgive and i didn't ask what went wrong. remember how i didn't beg you to tell me what went wrong when you apologized? you had to tell me whats wrong, because you left me shattered alone for six months. but i didn't beg you to tell me. i didn't want to know. i love you too much to just be able to let it go.
you don't know what it feels like to have your heart broken over and over again. you took away my happiness away with you, and i tried to forget because i know that i don't need you to be happy. i tried to forget by not talking to you, by not talking to your friends. and i know that by not talking to you im also making it easier for you and her. this is what you want and that's what im doing, im doing what you want me to.
please don't say love when you don't mean it and please always catch someone when you make them fall.
please don't think that running away is the way out, because then you're leaving me in the dark. and you let me fall a thousand times where there's no one to pick me up except myself. you left me broken, alone. please understand that there is this girl who is slowly dying because of you. take off those rose colored glasses and for once see me once more. i know that you want to believe that im not there anymore, but by pretending not to see me, you're breaking me more, if that is at all possible.
please don't leave her. because i've tried so hard in letting you go, in letting you be with her. i'm broken, i'm shattered and i cry myself to sleep most nights all to see you happy with her. you don't know how much i've done to try to forget and even though i can't your happiness makes it all better and i only want you to be happy. if she makes you happy, please stay with her. please always love her, just like the way she loves you. :)

i am tired of crying. but i know that the only way i can get my happiness back and have all the broken pieces glued back together is if you come back. i know that i might not get the you before, but please don't pretend that i don't exist.

you told me once to imagine myself in your shoes, now please imagine yourself in mine.

love,
me

2. forgiving is always the best way out. even when it doesn't seem right.

my mom wants me to take photography lessons and she's getting me a camera too. a cheaper one but thats what i want. :)
i cant believe im taking photography lessons!! wheeee

note to self:
1. always be happy

finals are coming up.
last year i had something to look forward to which was summer school after exams.
but this year?
nada. nothing.
just exhaustion and more work :(
i don't think ill go anywhere during the summer with my family too
isn't there something more to this world than being confined in one position, only living the life i am constantly accustomed to.
i want to live, i want to visit all the corners of the world, i want to build a rocket ship and travel the galaxies, i want to be a world famous author,
i want to be free.

top three things i want right now:
1. long hair
2. happiness
3. love. because there are a lot more people with broken hearts out there than there are of deaths

when life gives you lemons,
make a list of things to be thankful for.

1. my family. i have always wondered why everything seems so perfect when im at home then something changed and it isn't perfect anymore, but through it i learnt that sometimes when things break, you can't blame it for breaking. anything broken can always be fixed and through it there's always a way out.
2. mybestfriends. when everyone else walks out, they're always there and that's true. it's not cliche. it's only cliche because it's true.
3. leroy. under family. sometimes just having someone for listening is the best way out.
4. love. wherever it exists
5. disney dvds. sometimes the things that makes you happy are those that aren't real.
6. books. being someone different in some place ethereal but real. gluing all the broken pieces together and telling me that everyone has a story and also a happy ending.
7. hamsters. lovelovelove :)
8. warm water
9. holidays. a good escape
10. the sun. and the moon
11. sushi. yuum.
12. scrapbooking.
13. writing
14. belles aires
15. dreams. when we're asleep.

more on this later :)

all i got was SUSHI
i mean sushi's good and all but i want my pink converse.
i got stuff for scrapbooking too but it's no good without a pink converse.
because once you have a pink converse you don't need anything anymore.
it looks good on everything.
i won't ever need to buy anything anymore.
i can donate all the money to charity!
WHY DOESN'T THE WORLD WANT ME TO GET A PINK CONVERSE!
it makes EVERYONE happy.
this is SO UNFAIR!!!! =(
i feel like crying.
ill write more later.
the finger cross thing NEVER WORKS. i wonder who made it up in the first place.

this got lost on deviantart but i found it. :)

sometimes you get tired of lying down at the beach, waiting for your skin to be painted a pigment darker by the scorching sun that you decide to find an escape, a place cold for a change.sometimes the weather gets too cold, and you have to get your white coat out, pulling it tighter around your body.sometimes they take you out for hot chocolate, adhering you to the occasional giggles from satirical jokes, and laughter to diminish your contemplations about choosing this story for your summer.sometimes you see two hands in each other’s clutches, a kiss underneath the lamp post, a perfect scene, from a cliché winter movies. Sometimes you wished that you were cliché.sometimes a guy comes up to you, shaking your hand with a sporadic hearty handshake mumbling his name while gazing intently in your eyes, sometimes you can’t help but let out a blush, big enough to make you realize that you are blushing.sometimes you would go watch a musical at the local theatre with him by your side, and he would tell you that you’ll get a happy ending just like the characters in the musical did. sometimes he would promise you that reality would undeniably surprise you.sometimes you would watch movies at night and he would move right beside you, and talk about things that only you could understand.sometimes you would dress up in a white gown, feeling like a Cinderella and your prince would walk up to you, smile and escort you to your fairytale, at least for one night.sometimes he would wait outside in the dark, to say his goodbyes before you leave. you would attempt to play hard to get but your smile gave it away, and he would come to your room late at night to play a few rounds of Chinese poker.sometimes it gets even colder, and he’d offer his jacket to you. you smiled and shook your head but he would put it on you anyways. remember the Goosebumps you had? The rampant feeling inside of you spelling out the three words that you have yearn of hearing since the beginning of forever?sometimes you get lost in the airport upon going home and he would be there texting you, consoling you that you’re only a few steps away from gate 28 and when you look up you see gate 28 right in front of you. sometimes you’d smile and wondered how he knew. there are questions which shall always be left unanswered .sometimes he would text you when you get back, the occasional how are yous, and hows your morning appearing consequently on your mailbox as the days of your summer lure to an end.sometimes he’d say i miss you as the sun sets, and you’d wake up knowing that out there someone is irrevocably in love with you.sometimes he would ask you out to watch sci fi with him on a saturday. you’ve never liked sci fi, but you’d pretend to, and he would be thrilled counting the days ’til saturday while you break the news to your best friend and she’d offer to come a day before and help you pick out what to wear. What if saturday never comes?sometimes you’d have the urge to give up, to leave the summer behind and to transcend all memories into oblivion at the peak of futility where they belong.but sometimes, you’d have the faith to believe that he’ll come back if not tomorrow. He’ll run towards you, just like he did while you were camping out underneath the immaculate stars. He’ll look intently at your eyes, just like when you first met. He’ll smile just like the many times he did during your summer adding the cherry on top of your perfect fairytale. He’d say I love you, just like he did when you both were in love, and now when you’re both still in love.

tell me about that summer. the summer that was only just a few days away from yesterday. the summer that was yesterday, tomorrow, and happily ever after.

i am going shopping for pink converse today! :)
it is extremely unlikely that ill find one but maybe ill find something close to it :)
i really want one though,
ive been wanting it for over two years
i totally deserve them.
so yeah, again- im keeping my fingers crossed :D