rainbow's story

my name is rainbow. and that is one of the reasons why i hate my mother. only one of the many, many reasons. i don't know what mother was thinking when she named me rainbow, maybe she wasn't thinking at all. all i know is that she was into hippie stuff, back when i was born and i remembered living with tie dye tshirts and earth tone pants- that kind of stuff, for awhile. when she started dressing me in real clothes, albeit, jackets and jeans from the gap, i was afraid, at least for awhile. it was a big change, and i never figured out why. before long, we completely ditched the hippie stuff and started living like a normal family, until mother found a new fad which caused us to live with burlap sacks and organic food, where recycling was mandatory, and we started washing dishes by hand.

the second reason as to why i hated mother was because she got divorced with father. mother was tough, she didn't cry. she never cried not when they fought, not when she said she finally had enough. it was the typical divorce, father took me out to the park and we shared a giant hot dog and fed the bread crumbs to the pigeons. after that he told me that he'll be getting a divorce with mother in the nicest way possible. "mother and i aren't going to be together anymore." i was only eight. that was the only way i could've understood what was going on. father then moved to a flat in the city and mother kept the house and me. father would take me out every weekend and i would stay in his flat for one night. this is the only time i had to spend pigging out on frankfurters with father and watching endless cartoons on the television, the things that mother would never let me do.

there are many more reasons as to why i hated my mother, writing them all would be a book in itself, but that's not the story i want to tell. the story i want to tell starts now, at sixteen years of age, where i first fell in love.

he was captain of the school's lacrosse team and a point guard in the varsity basketball team. he was tall, dark and handsome- that type of guy, the perfect one, the type that every girl loves, but that wasn't what i saw in him.
i like him, albeit, for a different reason.

he was in my art class, the one and only class i had with him.
everything he did at art class was beautiful, everything he touched was perfect, it was like he had magic within every fingertips, and everything he touched, turned into something purely magical.

we never talked and that was a good thing, for what could i ever say to someone as perfect as him. i kept to myself and my only best friend julie who always sits beside me and find it extremely hard to not talk while painting. likewise, he also kept to himself. he never talked. he had no friends, at least not in here, and he would always sit in one corner of the room, alone making magical things.

they say that love at first sight doesn't exist, but i believe that this isn't love at first sight, because all those days of looking at him and studying his every action has to count for something, if not anything. i knew him, the way his face crinkles into a smile everytime he finishes an artwork, the way he would run his hands through his hair while painting and bite his bottom lip, perhaps when making a mistake. i didn't know his name, though and at that time i knew i never would.

"mother called today."
i was with father at the park, like ever, we were sitting on the bench sharing a giant hotdog, our ritual and has ever been since eight years ago, when he told me about the divorce.
i nodded.
"rainbow, why don't you ever talk to mother?"
"i don't know."
i knew that with father i never need to talk, he'll always know what i'm thinking, without me having to say anything. this thing i had with father, i believe isn't something i had with mother.and no matter how hard i try, i would never have a mother.
"honey, you can't blame your mother for the divorce."
then who should i blame, father?
"a divorce takes two people, like getting married, it's no different. something's just breaking this time."
i didn't want it to break, i still don't. i wanted a promise if not a certain guarantee.
"but things broken can always be fixed, it might not turn out the way you expect it to, but here's the guarantee, it'll always be a whole lot better than right now."
"promise me that you'll start talking to mother."
and that was when i realized that i had finally gotten my guarantee.

mother was on the kitchen patio tinkering with the radio when i came up to her. at first she was surprised, but that didn't last long, after all what mother would be surprise when her daughter comes to her, arms open wide for an embrace.
every mother, would smile and my mother did this,
and she also cried.

that would've been the perfect ending, but if there was something about life, it just doesn't end like that. life continues, or so i've come to learn, and then another story unfolds if not an alternative ending to this story. however ever since then, mother and i became inseperable.
father was right, it was never her fault- all these voices in my head, they were never screaming out her name, they were screaming out mine.

i was walking into art class when i bumped into him. he was holding two canvasses and one immediately dropped, syncronized with my bump.
i started picking it up, then stopped.
he painted a face, somewhat familiar.
it took me awhile to realize that it was me.
"i'm sorry." he said.
who knew, all these times, while he was alone, and while i tried so hard to discern what he was thinking, all along, i was the one thing on his mind.
"talk to him" mother said, "who knows, life might end up giving you a surprise."
i looked up at him and our eyes met for a second before i finally said,
"i like it."
"really?"
i nodded.
"what's your name."
"rainbow."
he looked at me for a second
"i know stupid name, right?"
and then out of nowhere he smiled at me, he really did and said,
"no. it's beautiful."
and then he told me his name.

shopping&sanity
i finally got the denim dress i wanted. it's very pretty, all sky blue and short, just the way i like it.
i can't wait to wear it at hong kong. in fact since i'll be away during the weekends on church camp, i should start packing soon.
i kind of want a long sleeve shirt with cute prints on it for the plane ride there. maybe forever 21 has cute ones, i'll have to check sometimes. i only have two hundred thousand left plus the two hundred hong kong dollars.
father told me yesterday that two hundred can't even get me new shoes, so i guess that won't really help me at all.
enough about shopping. i have this story written but i can't seem to finish it.
its saved in my drafts among my other failed story entries, which i haven't come around to finishing.
today, i woke up at ten and then ordered myself some japanese take out with a large, large pudding.
that was all i did, in fact the only decent thing i did today was shop for the dress i've always wanted and this really cute pink batik pouch and other things for katrina when i go to hong kong next week.
i canceled my math lessons
and did not touch belles aires, nor finished the blog story i wrote last night.
i did not finish watching dadnapped or the soup that father made for me.
i wanted to buy starbucks but didn't have enough money. stupid stuck up coffee. i miss having enough money for a tall caramel frap.
the only thing that is solely making me happy, except for shopping and stuff is the fact that i got lee min ho on a perfect guy quiz at facebook,
which just goes to show,
that im pathetic (:
but life isn't that bad when something, if not someone, or both makes you really happy.
i shall sleep happily tonight.
goodnight everyone.

euphoric hiatus
i went to amanda's house today.
we pigged out over mcdonalds and then watched transformers.
i didn't really get the story, maybe because i was half dead while watching or half asleep, depending on how you see it and i was also attempting to steal amanda's blackberry away from her so i could spam her facebook.
i liked meet the robinsons, which i watched earlier this morning better. it made families seemed together, tangible, and right which is really, what all families should be like. no matter how imperfect, it'll always remain a family nevertheless.
shoot, father just ran over a kitten. thank God it's okay. but i feel extremely bad for it.
grace got amazing strawberry macaroons today from bakerzin which i absolutely love but was too broke to get.
i have to stop thinking about them. it makes me hungry and there's nothing left to eat at home. i can't believe no one left me any dinner, knowing that i am completely and utterly broke.
im starting tutoring tomorrow, i called the mother of the kid today and she was extremely nice.
im going there tomorrow. as per usual i have no transportation so i guess ill be walking or riding my bike there, yet again.
i just went out to check on the kitten. it died.
and now im locking myself in my room, crying for a cat i've never ever known.
it's so strange how something could just disappear like that, and disappear forever.
it's mother is out looking for food somewhere and she'll come back knowing that her baby is gone, forever.
that made me even sadder.
which just goes to show, in my life, everytime i find my silver lining a cloud comes and covers it up once more.
this sucks.
does the world not want me to be happy?

sometimes why do i even care.

my eye still hurts, the only time it doesn't hurt is when i cry.
i woke up knowing that it still hurts because blinking still inevitably hurts.
cramps suck. :(
they make your whole day suck.
and then of course the fact that i once again, cannot go anywhere because of mother again using the car and my lack of money.
jordan might get me this tutoring job where i would spend summer tutoring korean kids. that would be a lot of fun (: but judging from how my life has been lately, what if i don't end up tutoring for some stupid reason that will eventually come up.
shoot, i just accidentaly rubbed my eyes and now it hurts a lot.
i am bored. and my cramps are killing me.
is there ever a limit to being unhappy?

list of things i am currently happy about:
1. hong kong. shopping with katrina. :)
2. tutoring korean kids
3. fresh water
4. the yummy orange juice i just drank
5. my twitter page. it makes me happy.

ill continue later when i feel like it

free falling

mommy always takes me to cranberry ridge on one saturday, every month. there was a big waterfall there where people would jump off and free fall. i wanted to do it, but mommy said i couldn't because i was still to young. she promised me that she would let me do it on my next birthday. and when my next birthday came, it was a saturday, and we went early in the morning but never arrived.
i don't know where cranberry ridge is because i always fall asleep on the way, in the car.
all i would remember of these saturdays was waking up to the sound of mommy packing our lunch downstairs and daddy flipping the newspapers.
daddy never goes with us, because he's afraid of heights. the one and only thing that my super brave, super strong dad is afraid of.
before the clock strikes seven, daddy would come up with a cup of milk and wake me up.
"time for your day out with mommy."
when i arrived outside the house, always in a ponytail, dressed in gray osh kosh overals and pink converse sneakers, mommy would already be in the driver's seat tinkering with the radio. daddy would finish up loading the car with out picnic stuff then close the back door and then wave us both goodbyes as mommy pulled away from the driveway.
i would always sit in the front seat right beside mommy and fall asleep. sometimes mommy would put one hand on my knee and drum her fingers to the beat of the radio, while humming me to sleep. other times she would have both hands on the wheel, her eyes set straight to the road ahead. however, i knew that one thing remained certain,
i would always fall asleep on the way there, and my mother would always, and forever, be beside me.

except for today.

i was in the front seat, awake. daddy had already finished loading the back of the car but mommy wasn't sitting beside me. the radio wasn't on, and for once, with no music on i finally discovered how extremely empty and loud silence can be.
daddy climbed in the car and sat down beside me, his hands on the steering wheel.
"ready?"
i nodded, and he pulled away from the driveway.

i kept my eyes open, all the way to cranberry ridge. i was scared of closing them, scared that if i let it lie shut i would once again loose something if not someone i love. everything was the same way, i was still in my gray osh kosh overalls which were getting a little to tight for me, i still had my pink converse on, and my hair tied in a ponytail. everything was the same, except for the fact that i did not fall asleep and mommy isn't there.

we passed a lot of wet fields, and i could see cows and horses grazing in the muck. the countryside was quaint and green, but i didn't want to notice it, or see it. all i wanted to see was the mountain point diner. When we passed mountain point diner, the neon sign that reads it's name immediately caught my attention. there was a huge dent right near the bottom. i was asleep when i lost mommy.
"we're going to be okay. i promise you honey, we're going to be okay."
"hello? yes. i would like to report an accident. there are two people in the car. they both have their eyes closed."
"honey if anything ever happens, you know that i'll always be with you right?"
"goodbye my sweet darling. goodbye beautiful."
when i woke up, mommy wasn't beside me, and for once in my life, i was alone.

"we're here"
i could feel a familiar breeze blowing against my skin, and the smell of water, wafting somewhere around the atmosphere in some perfect density. we're here.
daddy got out of the car and closed the door from behind him.
he took me out and flung me onto his shoulders.
"cranberry ridge here we come."

"did you bring your swimsuit?"
i nodded.
daddy was already in his swim trunks, smilng at me.
i put my swimsuit that mummy and i bought last summer together. i wanted a green one but mommy chose pink
"it'll look really pretty on you."
she was right, it did. she was always right.

when i went out with my swimsuit on, daddy was already waiting, his feet dangling down off the ridge.
"are you ready?"
i nodded and held his hand. my fingers were trembling.
"one, two.."
"wait daddy." i said.
he looked down at me,
"aren't you afraid of heights?"
he shook his head,
"i'm more afraid of seeing you unhappy."
"i've been coming here everyday, if there was one thing i could do, for both you and mommy is to make my self not be afraid of heights anymore."
"so you're no longer afraid?"
daddy shook his head.
and i smiled. for the first time after a year, after what happened, after loosing mommy and hearing the repeated i feel sorry for you,
i was able to smile.
"are you ready?"
one, two, three.

and daddy and i jumped.
the wind was blowing against us and i was still holding on to daddy.
"honey, mommy promises you, you'll never be alone. whatever you do you'll never be alone."
there was something about falling.
how it seemed endless and yet fleeting at the same time.
the way it made me realize that, i'm not alone, i will never be, i still have daddy.
"thankyou mommy, thankyou for everything."
and then i landed with a splash in the waters beneath me.

and beauty like wisdom loves the lonely worshiper- oscar wilde; the young king

i feel an obligation to write, not because i have to, but really, because i want to.
sometimes i wish that someone would understand,
but it's really hard i guess to mend what is mangled.
everything broken can always be fix, maybe it's just not that easy.
i like to take out all the clothes i have and match them up with each other.
this makes me feel like i have all the time in the world, and there really is no better feeling than that. sometimes i wonder why i do all the incomprehensible, but these things might be the only things that keeps me sane, or so i have come to realize.
i'm tired of writing what i want to happen under the names of characters that will forever only remain figments of my imagination. for once i want to be able to write my own story. the story of my life. something different. not gray. something purple, pink, orange, green.
i want to live in surprises, in a reality that does not break, where hearts do not get mangled.
when i break, i want someone to put all the pieces together and hold me, just hold me.
everyone has a broken heart, which breaks in their very own ways.
and it is extremely shallow to associate heartbreaks only with romantic love,
because people's hearts break for a million different reasons, which always comes back to one thing,
when it is broken, where do you go?
to which i can only say, i still don't have the answer.
but i'm definitely trying, and it's day by day :)

the best way out is always through- robert frost
tell yourself this everyday, it works.

i finished boys before flowers :)
wheee.
and for that i shall write a special post on it.
here are some of my favourite, favourite scenes
it took me awhile to find the pictures but i did anyways. <3


she had to babysit this little boy so they went to the zoo.


and he ended up carrying the little boy on his shoulders :)
he said he wanted to be a good daddy.


before she was forced to leave him they rode bikes together at a beach :)


the sweet kiss at the beach


first kiss. he admitted that he has never had a
girl friend and that she's his first love :)
he was a bit nervous when kissing her,
and it made everything really cute!


watching the stars together. he said saranghae to her underneath the stars


he wraps his jacket around her :)


and the super sweet proposal as an ending :)

i also like the part when he hugs her and asked her if they
could just stay like this for five minutes and when he gazes
intently at her when she sleeps. and when he said that if he
loves someone he can never give up, he won't ever give up.
and and when he lost his memory and asked her who he is
and she told him everything about him and then fell into the pool
and he finally remembered her and saved her :)

i love love boys before flowers <3

best scene ever. jun pyo's mom made fun of jian di while she was selling rice cakes in the middle of this street and jun pyo was in the car with his mom. his mom kept on holding his hand when he wanted to go out, but he pulled away and went out, walked towards jan di and gave her a kiss.
i got goosebumps and smiled for a long long time.

i'm in the boys before flowers trance :)
i love the way jun pyo gave jian di the necklace and the way he calls her stupid sometimes.
oh and their first kiss on the swing which he lit up with lights
and the way he made kim chi with her family and spent the day with the family, which is the sweetest thing a guy could ever do.
and how he saved let her wear his clothes in the cold and kept on saying, i'll protect you and i won't ever let you die.
and how he waited four hours for her to come in the snow.
and the way he shares his jacket with her, so it's like the both of them wrapped around one jacket.
and how when she forgot to bring gloves, he tucked her hands in his jacket pocket :) awwww
and when he was about to leave for china, he texted her saying,
i'll be back soon wait for me, i love you.

i wish i had a perfect fairy tale just like jian di :(

22. life for real, isn't like a movie screen

best scene ever. she got bullied by the whole school, and he saved her and beat them all up. and he kept on repeating, it's okay, im here. :)))

i had to stay at home because of stupid fever and migraines.

mom wants me to go to hong kong with her on some sort
of business trip early july. to which i can only say, yay,
IM GOING TO HONG KONG :)
but it's only for four days and it's not absolutely certain, at least not yet.
either way i'll probably spend most of summer holidays writing more about
josh and chantel.
that you can count on.

21. ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

love is beautiful :)

my shoulders hurt terribly
but we won our first volleyball game today
yay krakatau girls :)
and since i have no homework, which is actually something to be extremely happy about
as i've been lost in homework hysteria for the past few days, i am planning on spending the whole night reading jane eyre.
yes, i know that i am an extremely slow reader
but its only because i haven't had the time to actually read.
and i've been really tired lately.
just seven more school days until josh and chantel all the way :)

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"and being a girl could be about interest rates and skinny jeans, riding bikes and wearing pink. not about any one thing, but everything" - along for the ride, sarah dessen