Thursday, December 31, 2009

two thousand ten

"the whispers turn to shouting, the shouting turns to tears, the tears turn into laughter, and it takes away our fears"

i have five drafts typed up and yet unfinished, all under the same title, new years.
for once, i am out of words.
not in the flabbergasted, surprised, enthralled kind of way.
i am out of words simply because there is nothing left to say.
so here goes. an extremely random and inexorably morbid entry. forgive me for starting the new years this way. is there be a paradox between starting new years sadly and having awesome months to follow? if there is, i'll be waiting for my miracle.
sometimes i turn my music on a little bit too loud,
to drown out the defeaning silence if not loudness of emptiness,
to fill in the empty holes within me and make me whole, albeit, fleetingly.
sometimes the only things you can truly count on are the inanimate,
for they do not have the innate ability to hurt you.
the inanimate listens, it does not respond.
the inanimate stays stoic, it does not love.
and yet, it can never hurt you, and sometimes that is all that ever matters.

have an awesome new year everyone

i love you most ardently, 11:15 PM.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

as we free fall into the unknown

step by step,

we pave ourselves a footpath,

our fingers entwined,

as we free fall into the unknown

misery lauds in the faces of zeal,

take solace in the mistresses of love,

feeling the rush of dark winds,

and fumes of desires drenching the atmosphere

with such intensity,

as we free fall into the unknown

and yet my fingers still linger between your grasp,

as we intoxicate ourselves with the rhythms of our hearts,

pulsating it's interminable beats, filling pieces perfectly,

as we free fall into the unknown

for can i ever desire to land?

sentiments abound,

venus' touch,

where would we go, what would we become,

when we finally land.

and so i smile,

into the faces of falling,

the smugness of triviality,

explicitly red, tempting, like eden's apple,

as we free fall into the unknown

i love you most ardently, 10:11 AM.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

it's christmas

and it is also time to be verbose, superfluous

and to once again explore the enigmas of life, in my own, be it superficial, one sided, or somewhat enlightened perspective. it all depends, on how one views my rants, most of the times incomprehensible in so many ways.

it's christmas and we walk alone,

two strangers with no one to miss us

on our own,

out in the cold

trudging onward, braving a harsh winter storm

you and i met passing by

and now our spirits feel warm

i don't have anyone to talk to

and you don't have anything to do,

so i'll spend my christmas with you

- a christmas song, owl city

the song in itself delineates what i've been feeling, the seemingly venal and distorted view i have of christmas, that is ever so often exacerbated by selfish, self centered desires. the world however, does not revolve around me, and i now know that for sure.

life is amazingly indefinite. it vacillates and wavers in between emotions and resolutions. it hides many facets, more than one could ever comprehend and learn, and yet, that is the very essence which makes life all the more interesting.

think about the emptiness you feel when something is just gone so suddenly, and the confinement that conceals you within pools of tears and vacant memories. where is the resilience? the strength? the faith that life will take you somewhere beautiful, somewhere amazing, somewhere better?

this christmas, i learnt that feelings changes, so very fastly, and easily. maybe because saying i love you requires more than just the feeling itself, if what one feels was really love at all. because i learnt that actions speak a million times more than words. it is hard to keep the promise of loving someone, once one has said i love you. i made that mistake, of thinking love as something so simple and straightforward.

and right now, the celerity in which my feelings have changed proves the shallowness of my convictions.

but at the same time, i am glad that life did not tie me down with the strands of petty and trivial love.

as for what im feeling now, i take it day by day.

like owl city's christmas song, sometimes a day is defined by coincidences and instances. the existence of fate coincide with these factors, thus amalgamating the tiny aspects of our everyday into what we call, life.

enough cheese and hackneyed commentaries for a day?

this will have to do, at least for the while.

merry christmas everyone.

i love you most ardently, 11:01 PM.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

the christmas list

although this was when chuck finally said i love you to blair and not christmas at all. it looks extremely christmas-sy, don't you think?

top ten things i like about christmas

10. heated debates on religion, spirituality, divinity and the likes with my beloved father

9. buying too much christmas cards. last count 40 and mailing them with overpriced high season courier mail (read: smirk) to my beloved best friends all over the world.

8. getting christmas presents wrapped in pink paper with a huge pink bow, delivered to my house, and already waiting for me under the christmas tree on christmas morning.

7. buying presents for people. most of the times, it is so much better than receiving. cliche? i'll let you decide.

6. one word, freedom from school hysterics. a euphoric hiatus.

5. sugar cookies and baking until some ungodly hour

4. having all the time in the world to write. cross that. you never have all the time in the world to write, but there's something about christmas that makes me think that it is okay to ignore all my holiday assignments, like reading harimau, harimau and the inferno. like typing up my biology lab report on photosynthesis. there's still three more weeks of holiday and belles aires is calling my name.

3. spontaneous dinners at awesome grills with family

2. shopping, shopping with my best friends and taking endless christmas pictures

1. the midnight christmas mass at church, which always for reasons beyond my understanding, constantly make me shed a tear or two.

something to do this christmas, check out the awesome voice website: http://sites.google.com/site/sphvoice

i love you most ardently, 7:48 PM.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

gemma ward

i wish i have her hair, and her eyes.

and that pretty, pretty dress she's wearing

ditto to the gorgeous shoes

i love the oversize bangle she's wearing,

i can never pull that off, thanks to my horrendously small wrists.

she has small wrists too, but the bangles look awesome on her.

i wish i could sit on a swing like that, wearing what she's wearing,

and just go swinging all day,

away from the cold dolorous voices of reality calling my name,

away from the spine-chilling pressure of perfection,

away from past lovers and present hysterics,

i want to sit on the swing, just the swing and me, and smile at the faces of escapade, at an interminable hiatus, at the silence, and at the beauty of simple things,

of innocuous faith,

and perfection at it's fullest.

i love you most ardently, 7:51 PM.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

all i want for christmas

i decorate my house.

i decorate my house because of several reasons,

partly because it is the christmas season, and decorations are indeed mandatory,

but mostly because it's the only way to escape the cold dark truths of reality you

have unleashed so suddenly upon me.

why now, why right now?

i baked one hundred sugar cookies last night and decorated them up until midnight. i spent the afternoon hanging glittery snowflakes around every curtain of my house, of such excessive (and yet not tacky, most definitely) amount, that my house must now be the equivalence of a snowy christmas in times square, albeit without the lights. and i can't help spending the money on christmas cards, i have written at least fifteen and more still remains unwritten. i offered my dad to let me paint my house next weekend, of which he disagreed to immediately.

you have taught me a lot, from what we were, and right now and i thank you so much for teaching me things i would've never discovered myself.

i have now realized that life without you is so much more wonderful. life without you makes me laugh, life without you makes me delight in the most simplest of things, like tiny glittery snowflakes. life without you opens my heart to the most important things in life, like friends. it's true what they say, boys come and go but friends stay forever. life without you lets me study deep into the night, a joust of coffee by my side, an act which i have surprisingly found some sort of solitude in. life without you makes me a lot more happier, in many ways than i can ever imagine.

but right now, i'm still trying to recuperate, albeit a little bit stronger.

and to do so,

tomorrow i shall tie ribbons around the twenty four candy canes i bought today.

i love you most ardently, 9:59 PM.

Friday, December 11, 2009

like we matched

cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly

what i miss most of all is you holding my hands,

and your fingers fitting perfectly,

like we matched.

but for now, i guess i would just have to learn how to say

goodbye

i love you most ardently, 5:32 PM.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

generic

1. i am writing a blog entry, to my own detriment and failure of course, as i have an econ paper to write and a math test tomorrow. this blog entry would not even make sense. this blog entry would not be filled with superfluous words, profound enigmas and meanings or my attempt to decode, if not, encrypt the rather imperative facets in life. this entry, as generic as it may be, will be mostly of my current rants. so bear with me.

2. i stayed up until three am last night with my economics textbook in front of me. yes, i do read my economics text book during my spare time. yes, sometimes i do agree that i don't have anything that much resembles a life at all. it took me three hours to print a total of fifteen pages last night. what about coffee you ask? there comes a time when four mugs of coffee will eventually be adequate enough to suffice. mother is now cutting me off on my coffee intake, and i am simply useless.

3. this morning i found out that i stained my kate spade pencil case. of course if mother finds out, she would literally and to a great (harsh) extent, wring my neck. so, upon reaching home, i desperately tried to get rid of the stain. ten wet wipes water, the stain is seemingly gone. another day save, thanks to the power of wet wipes

4. the only thing that solely made me happy today was receiving an email from the university of chicago, asking about my interest in their psychology program. the email was unexpected, but made me quite happy for a bit.

5. due to my extreme lack of sleep, mother let me sleep in and go to school after break. i was immediately ushered into the tu and given a detention. in order to wriggle my way out of that, i had to call my mom and ask her to fax the school a letter, ensuring them that i did not skip the first two periods of school (as if).

6. i have math lessons in about five minutes and i have only written five sentences for my econ paper.

7. and now i have decided that although blogging is a perfectly legitimate reason to escape homework hysteria, it is nevertheless procrastination, and i shall stop and resort to doing my econ paper.

8. sometimes i think about what it'll be like if you were still here. but then what you are, it never was. and all i have is a frayed image of perfection, shattered and ripped into pieces, as i find my way back towards shore.

superfluos enough? this will simply have to do (for the while).

i love you most ardently, 7:24 PM.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

fearless

do you remember what fearless felt like?

the cold rush of adrenaline through your veins,

the beats of your heart pulsating rhythmically with anticipation,

as you smile towards the faces of fear,

lifting up your hands,

before finally letting yourself fall?

do you remember what reckless felt like?

letting the enigmas of life unfold without a single worry,

allowing falling to take over, consume

and drench you in a pool of euphoric ardor, desires, and love

do you remember what love felt like?

when it was just us against the world,

falling and catching,

until the sun soaked days ended,

and we stepped into pandora's jar of darkness.

and now we remain alone,

two entities with identical stories of the past,

fighting the enigmas of life alone,

sinking in our own pool of desires,

drenched in our own inexorable fears,

as its ripples form faces, smiling back at our smiles

smugly, and sinking us deeper, and deeper

until we can no longer breathe.

now tell me,

do you remember what fearless felt like?

i love you most ardently, 3:32 PM.

Friday, December 4, 2009

c'est la vie

because sometimes

enough is enough.

now i leave it all to you

i love you most ardently, 5:15 PM.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

the only way i can talk to you

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 corinthians 13

i'm tired of pretending like i am fine. i am tired of having to live with this inevitable silence and a gap that is growing bigger, and bigger by day. i am tired of eating boxes and boxes of chocolates while telling myself that it wasn't my fault, that it still isn't my fault. i am tired of pretending like i am happy, of putting on the facade of happiness just to tell you that i don't need you, that i will be fine without you.

because at the end of the day, i realize that by doing this things i do not get anything. we're still not talking, and i don't know what's wrong. i am tired of coming home feeling like i've won, that i've proven that i can live without you, because from that, i get nothing except an interminable emptiness, one which you're not there to fill.

the only way i could talk to you is here, because you would never listen. not when i attempt to talk to you at school, nor when i call you or text you.

if i did something wrong, i'm sorry

if i didn't understand, i'm sorry

if i made your life a whole lot more complicated, i'm sorry

if i made your grades slip, i'm sorry

if i am never able to make you happy, i'm sorry

if i often made your mom angry at you, i'm sorry

if i make mistakes and blame it all on you, i'm sorry

i am the worse person ever, and i know that. i know that everything that happened now, and before, it has always been my fault. i don't deserve you, or what you were. i never did.

but i can't stand the silence that is growing louder by day, or the sinking feeling i get when i pass you in the hallways without saying hello, leaving me trying so hard to desperately hold back tears.

please say something, if not, anything.

because you know that i'll always love you, out of everyone else, you should be the one to know that best.

and sometimes, like you once said, that is all that ever matters.

i love you most ardently, 3:51 PM.