Sunday, January 31, 2010

like gravity, like the stars

stars some million lightyears away,

burn because of a nuclear fusion reaction

caused by a very strong gravitational pull.

they would rather burn than dawdle into darkness,

for if they stop burning,

they explode into tiny shattered pieces,

into a supernovae,

into a black hole,

sucking everything around it into void,

into nonentity.

they die.

i made a mistake,

and it is so hard for me to tell you how much i regret what i did.

when all you needed was me to be silent,

and there for you,

i wanted something else,

i always wanted something else.

but something else is never tangible

for i have to burn in order to live,

i have to withstand the inconceivable hurt,

and everything that comes along with it,

for if i don't

i break, i shatter,

i die in a thousand besprinkled pieces

and now i know how that feels

i still stay up at night,

waiting for your text message saying i love you to come.

i still check my phone every morning,

to see whether you said good morning

but now,

these things are ethereal,

hiding and dispelling into some million galaxies far away,

the gravity that kept me burning ,

that kept me shining,

is gone.

the gravity that made me a star,

left me to die slowly on my own.

all i wanted was to not feel hurt,

but hurt is inevitable,

because hurt is what keeps me living,

regardless of how long gravity would keep me burning,

i would rather burn,

then seeing gravity leave,

and letting me die.

you wanted to stop hurting people,

that was what you wanted,

have you ever thought that maybe the only way to stop hurting people,

is to let them feel hurt,

because maybe,

hurt is what keeps them living?

you told me that your life is too dark,

too horrible,

that it would be selfish of you to let me be apart of it,

that you don't want to hurt me in the end.

have you ever cared to hear my story?

because no one has the perfect life,

and sometimes it only takes one person to turn all the broken pieces,

into perfection.

you told me that i'll be better off without you,

though you saying that made me cry,

realizing how much you care,

i now realize that maybe

crying every night to sleep,

and waking up with a cloud hanging above my head,

is not better off.

you know that i am now not better off,

not even close,

not even ever.

i told you that the thought of you not being there is scarier than hurting,

and i know that now for sure.

you told me to cheer up

and that the world isn't falling apart.

well, maybe your world isn't

but mine sure is.

and i know that the only way out of this, is if i get my gravity back.

i love you most ardently, 10:54 AM.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

you're unlike any other

"you're unlike any other, you'll always be my thunder"

"cause all the stars above me sing your name"

"just close your eyes, we'll hope it's not for nothing at all"

"ill be loving you until"

"im counting the seconds until you break the silence, so please break the silence"

"your tears turns into laughter and it takes away our fears"

"my world just flip turn upside down, and turn around"

"let me take your hand, as we walk in the dimming lights, or darling understand"

"but i got a little hope that today you'll face your fears"

"i swear that you don't have to go, i thought we could wait for the fireworks"

"i thought i could live in your arms, and spend every moment i had with you"

"inside i hope you know i'm dying, with my heart beside me,

in shattered pieces that may never be replaced"

"and that i would stumble across the key, or break down the door to your heart"

"cause everything you do and words you say, you know that it takes my breath away"

"and maybe it's true that i can't live without you"

"cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone"

"i've been looking for someone like you"

"because when i think of you i don't feel so alone"

"if my voice could reach back to the past, i'd whisper in your ear,

oh darling i wish you were here."

"begging for answers that you and only you can give to me"

"but compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright"

"so let me think how to word it, is it too soon to say perfect"

"cause ive been going crazy, i don't want to waste another minute here"

"does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me"

"and the hardest part is letting go"

"if you wanna fight, ill stand beside you"

"cause the heart never lies"

"so sing me a song i know all the words to"

"forever could see us not you and me"

"it's not always easy, but im here forever"

you know the words so sing along for me baby

i love you most ardently, 6:37 PM.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

i still love you more geek

because music speaks louder than words,
and because though you may have disappeared,
its songs like these brings you back to life,
and keeps me waiting,
because right now,
it still feels like you've never left at all

little change of the heart,
little light in the dark,
little hope that you just might find your way up out of here,
'cause you've been hiding for days, wasted and wasting away,
but i got a little hope,
today you'll face your fears

get up and go,
take a chance and be strong,
or you could spend your whole life holding on,
don't look back, just go,
take a breath, move along
or you cold spend your whole life holding on,
you could spend your whole life holding on

believe the tunnel can end,
believe your body can mend,
yeah i know you can make it through,
cause i believe in you
so lets go put up a fight,
lets go make everything alright,
go on and take a shot, go give it all you got

i love you more geek, always have, always will

i love you most ardently, 3:40 PM.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

just listen

i remember what you wore on our first day

you came into my life

and i thought hey

you know this could be something

'cause everything you do and words you say,

you know that it all takes my breath away

and now i am left with nothing

so maybe it's true,

that i can't live without you

and maybe two is better than one

but there's so much time, to figure out the rest in my life

and you've already got me coming undone

and im thinking, two is better than one

i love you most ardently, 3:50 PM.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

what claudia wants

in my life, i have always asked the question,

what do you want?

regardless of the fact that most of the times,

my heart wants something else

and truth be told,

i like giving, more than receiving,

but sometimes,

i wish the world would for once listen to what claudia truly wants.

the list does not go in chronological order, it goes in any order.

1. to find a way to thank my irreplaceable best friends for being there for me through thin and thick. for patience when i go through the toughest heart breaks, i don't think i can ever thank all of you enough but someday i might find away.

2. to get a 41 on my ib score, yes i think it is literally impossible to get a perfect score in biology, hence the 41.

3. to stop drinking panadols when things starts falling apart

4. to wake up smiling, knowing that someone out there loves me

5. to go to haiti and build houses for the 62000 homeless, and take part in the magical touch of aid, though my fairy dust may be rather faint.

6. to have a kick ass time at the boys like girls concert tomorrow with my best friends

7. to always be honest with myself and everyone around me.

8. to not always hold feelings in, because there is a limit to secrets and lies. the truth is inevitable.

9. to get sunflowers and pink daisies on valentines day. to for once, know that someone cares the world about me, and would do anything for me.

10. to have one of those nights where i read books like there's no tomorrow

11. to rewind time back to kindergarten, when tears were only products of broken crayons and tiny bruises from falling down in the playground.

12. to find the perfect words to tell you how much i love you, how every time i say i love you more, it is for a fact, we can see this now.

13. to thank my family for practically everything

14. to thank john for understanding and advices, though most of them are sealed tightly within bitter swear words and dark witty humor

15. to stop being so selfish and just let go, the way you want me to. and make it seem like i never existed.

16. to thank you for how much you've made me happy, how you made me forget about him, and the dark past, how though you were merely a transient euphoric hiatus, you brought magic that lasts forever.

17. to find away to stop loving you, a little bit too much

i love you most ardently, 9:07 PM.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

cause every hello ends with a goodbye

i don't know where to start,

because sometimes there are just too many words to say,

too many stories to tell,

that you just don't know where it all begins,

where it all started,

the boundaries of once upon a time.

but you always know where it ends.

i know that

i deserve text messages in the morning saying have a nice day with smiley faces,

and ones at night saying i love you.

i deserve phone calls saying good luck before tests,

and you to be there, albeit for a second,

every time i'm stressing out over homework

i deserve sunflowers on valentines day,

and saturday nights with you.

i deserve understanding,

and you to be there when you know that something is wrong.

i deserve you telling me the truth,

without me having to find out what it is myself.

i deserve you to mean it when you say i love you,

and not to say it to anyone else.

and most of all, more than anything else,

i know that i deserve the you i met so long ago,

the you that made my knees turn to jelly every time i read your text messages

the you that made happiness so tangible,

the you that made me smile,

every time i wake up in the morning.

though now it's very hard to believe that you were ever there all along,

i want to know the truth,

as much as it'll hurt, or make me happy,

i need to know the truth,

and this time,

it needs to come from you.

as for now,

i am tired of wondering in void,

and circling in this semiconscious dreamland

knowing that there might never be a way out

and

it is never too early to say goodbye,

because every hello always has to end with a goodbye

i love you most ardently, 4:43 PM.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

music and lyrics

and ill be here by the ocean

just waiting for proof

that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams

all my sand castles fall

like the ashes of cigarettes

and every wave drags me to sea

i could stand here for hours

just to ask God the question

"is everyone here make believe?"

with a tear in His voice,

He said, "Son that's the question."

does this deafening silence mean nothing

to no one but me?

when asked if i have ever encountered anything like sandcastles and silhouette dreams,

anything that comes close to perfection

i would answer, you

because the world is such an ugly place,

but you're so beautiful

or just because you're simply perfect in so many ways

i love you most ardently, 9:05 AM.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

because

i love you,

and sometimes that is all that ever matters.

i love you most ardently, 2:48 PM.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

paradise

sometimes it takes forever to find paradise,

and even then paradise would still end up shutting it's doors,

leaving you to fall endlessly into an abyss, perhaps for another forever.

but just how long is forever?

my mother is dying of cancer,

and i do not know how to save her.

the doctors said all she ever needed were lymphocytes,

an amount that is adequate enough to put her into remission,

though even that would not save mother,

but only make her live a little bit longer,

with a little less pain.

when i first found out that mother had cancer,

i was seven years old,

and it was the beginning of winter.

mother did not cry,

she never cried,

father was there by her side,

and they started decorating the house together,

drowning the coldness and bitterness of the truth,

with cinnamon scented, chestnut roasting on open fire,

yuletide spirit.

they told me to write a letter to santa claus telling him what i wanted,

and so i did.

i told santa that i wanted limfocites (my spelling did eventually get better) for mother,

incognizant of what they were,

only acknowledging the fact that they were like magic potions,

that could magically cure her.

when christmas day came,

and mother started coughing out blood,

the doctors said she still desperately needed lymphocytes.

ever since that christmas,

i stopped believing in santa claus.

the doctors did some tests on father,

then me after.

sure the needles did hurt,

but i was willing to do anything,

even give up my whole life,

for mother.

and when i found out i couldn't

i discovered that it was very easy for me to hate myself more and more everyday.

now mother is sleeping on her bed,

right next to mine,

she is too weak to talk,

or even move her tiny, frail fingers.

she finds it hard to breathe,

and her skin is pale,

like a chinese porcelain doll,

ever so fragile, and ready to break,

any moment now.

i always knew that i lived with death right beside me.

happiness had always been relative,

mother's disease was a drug in itself,

it gave me this ineffable soporific effect,

i have been living in this semiconscious dreamland,

all through my life,

and i knew that the only way i could escape,

was if mother died,

though the thought of her dying seemed so much scarier than living in this bubble,

sometimes i think about what it would be like to finally be able to live a life,

to wake up from this dream,

and finally,

live.

sometimes i think of that revelation as perhaps,

paradise.

now coughing blood has become something so mundane,

mother remained dormant on her bed,

sometimes she would wake up when i sit right beside her,

and just look at me,

with eyes so hollow and dark,

that they were almost haunting.

they looked to me for help, for resilience,

for strength,

for healing.

i was adamant that mother wasn't going to die.

she will never die,

i will never let that happen.

"please stop love."

donor lymphocytes infusion, otherwise known as the DLI, is a cancer treatment.

"it's four am."

lymphocytes are infused from a bone marrow donor into a person who has formerly received a bone marrow transplant.

"you've been working all night"

the DLI induces a remission through a process called graft-versus-tumor to kill residual cancer cells

"you look very tired."

an allogenic donor is mandatory. otherwise known as the perfect match.

"honey, your mother died fifteen years ago"

even then, the chances of a patient surviving is still not a guarantee

"you can't save her anymore. it's too late."

i wished for life,

to be able to escape from the entangling cords of death,

and finally breathe,

i wished for paradise,

only to discover that like so many other things,

paradise is relative.

i just need some time,

to comprehend the concepts of lymphocytes,

and understand why i could not save my mother's life,

perhaps it would take forever,

but then again,

forever could not be that long could it?

for only if i could save my mother's life,

would i be able to find paradise.

even if it takes,

forever.

i love you most ardently, 3:34 PM.

Monday, January 11, 2010

the girl behind the camera lens

"but compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright, and when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but i want it so." - miserable at best, mayday parade

i let myself sink deeper,
into this pool of silent despair,
feeling enervated
by excessive cliches,
stories with no end,
and tainted, vacillating feelings.

i want to be the girl behind the camera lens,
who takes pictures of all the happy moments in time,
so when sadness comes and take over,
i will have tangible memories, that make me smile.

i am tired of scouring my mind,
for memories and making them real,
for figments within imagination,
shows indifference to desires

i am tired of suffocating
from the infinite fumes of sighs,
and the hundred different paradoxes of reality
i am tired of not being able to trust,
who you really are,
what you really feel,
perhaps because you are just never there

sometimes all i want is for you to say i like you and mean it, and make me know that it is real, in strange, oblique, unfathomable ways.
because every time i say i like you, i always say the truth.

i want to be the girl behind the camera lens,
who takes pictures of these magical moments,
of dancing in the moonlight,
of i love you more fights,
of falling in love,
so i can always remember, and smile,
when you're just not there.

i love you most ardently, 4:52 PM.

Monday, January 4, 2010

a twist in my story

"i'm longing for words to describe how i'm feeling,

i'm feeling inspired.

my world just flip turned upside down,

and turned around."

i dislike the sweet, tingling feelings i get when i read your text messages,

or the fact that every time i type a sentence or two on my homework you would suddenly appear in my mind,

and i would smile at the thought of seeing you there, because i can never see you anywhere else.

i dislike the fact that i have fallen, so very fast, into so much happiness,

and so much perfection

i dislike the way you make me smile, and how you always make my day a thousand times better.

i dislike everything you do so much,

that i just might have fallen,

a bit in love with you.

i love you most ardently, 10:42 AM.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

i will be no longer

i thought of this story awhile back. it remained unwritten because the thought of writing was scary enough, until i discovered that not writing it is even scarier. this story is not about me, nor anyone i know of. but this story can be about anyone.

the party was at full swing while i sat still and motionless in my bedroom.

i loathed resilience, and patience at it's best.

i loathed smiles turned upside down by the triviality of love and lies of so called lovers.

i loathed not being able to save myself, not now and not ever.

what is ironic is the fact that i am a feminist at heart.

i believe in women, that being but not limited to the fact that we are capable of functioning without men.

i believe in strength and pugnacity.

however, there comes a time when even the most radical feminist, no longer has the strength to go on.

because we have become victims of falling, likewise, bamboozled by the wrath of love in itself which can surpass all forms of strength that one can ever offer.

there is always a limit to grieving, but there is also a limit to resilience. the eternal hell on earth can be found with every heartbreak, as superficial and shallow that may be, it is nevertheless true.

please understand how difficult this is for me. i am tired of your florid, superfluous demeanors, and your modicum understanding. i am tired of drowning myself in memories. i am tired of writing these cliches over and over again.

i sit at night, cutting our polaroids and then sticking the pieces back together. i am fickle, i can never forget but i can never love you the same way again. and yet, as difficult as it is, or as it will be, i want you to kiss me on my forehead, and put your arms around the small of my waist, regardless of how much a touch would hurt me, the inescapable scars i have, with you, misery always comes at it's best.

i turn my music so loud, too loud most of the times and listen to the music you gave me, the melodies you weaved in through my soul, a pathetic and inevitably desperate attempt to bring back your existence. because now you're ethereal, an apparition of the past, and i have to learn to accept the non existent, and live within my own surreal and oblique desires.

i am the girl without a happily ever after. i am a girl with a story cut short, ending at falling, and ceasing to exist without my prince on a white horse, without my tiara and sparkling castle. i am the girl with a story untold, dying slowly as i suffocate and gasp for love, for you to once again, pick me up and just hold me.

everyone deserves a happily ever after?

happily ever afters do not exist.

come, surprise me,

make me believe in fairytales and the naivety of love.

because even then, no happily ever after would be able to save me.

the party was at full swing. i sat down slowly, something shiny, silver and sharp within my grasp.

it was just me and the scary and comforting color of red, the rest of the night.

just us against the world,

hoping that when i wake up,

i will be no longer.

i love you most ardently, 8:04 PM.