Thursday, August 27, 2009
about love and everything else
i think about a lot of things.
the reality of dreams, the beauty of friendship, the inevitability of trust and other things alike. however, only one thing often stand out, perhaps because it is the only one which i still cannot fathom, the existence of true love.
true love exists, even if it takes a while to fathom. someday, i would find that person, who would love me no matter what, and we would live happily ever after.
that is classic. the oldest story in the book, and in fact the one that is most untrue, the most fiction of fairytales, for true love do not exist, at least not in this world.
what can define love as to being true?
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not rude, it is not self seeking.
love is perfect, but it is often hard to love someone perfectly, and it is even harder to truly understand what love really means.
love, like so many other things, remains just another semantics issue. the things you see in love are ones which i cannot fathom, nor even think of thinking about. love is too broad, too wide, too beautiful, too ugly. there are elements of dichotomy within love itself, if not, contrasting meanings.
some people take their whole lives to find out what true love is, but then again, what is true? in which truth do people based their opinions about love to but themeselves? and is the truth in which we trust, right?
sometimes the people we choose to trust ends up hurting us. sometimes what we once thought was true love, ends up breaking us. we end up not believing in the existence of love, and live cold, bitter lives, when really love does exist. maybe true love doesn't but love really does.
there is never a definition for true love, for it does not exist, and even if it does, is perhaps too much for us to understand. it remains a mystery, like the place we call heaven, if not, God himself. we believe that he is there, but we cannot see. however, sometimes, the element of believing is really, just the only thing you need.
true love does not exist within a person, nor does it exist in the form of a person. true love happens when you learn to fall in love with someone, who this time, ends up staying, catching you and keeping you at arms reach, when you fall.
some people seek for true love in the wrong places, if not, the wrong people.
seeking in the wrong direction brings you nowhere, and seeking for whatever did not exist in the first place, is parallel to looking for complete and utter nothingness, the non existent will always remain nothing, no matter how hard you try to make it. the world does not listen to what you want it to become, the world does not care about what you want to make it, because whatever it makes, that is what you get.
i think about a lot of things.
the movement of time. the closeness of families. the wonderful smell of rain. the secrets within writings.
sometimes i would never get the answers, if not, a truth to the thoughts i am thinking, however take it day by day, the understanding of love, and meaning itself. and that makes all the difference.
i think about a lot of things.
the reality of dreams, the beauty of friendship, the inevitability of trust and other things alike. however, only one thing often stand out, perhaps because it is the only one which i still cannot fathom, the existence of true love.
true love exists, even if it takes a while to fathom. someday, i would find that person, who would love me no matter what, and we would live happily ever after.
that is classic. the oldest story in the book, and in fact the one that is most untrue, the most fiction of fairytales, for true love do not exist, at least not in this world.
what can define love as to being true?
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not rude, it is not self seeking.
love is perfect, but it is often hard to love someone perfectly, and it is even harder to truly understand what love really means.
love, like so many other things, remains just another semantics issue. the things you see in love are ones which i cannot fathom, nor even think of thinking about. love is too broad, too wide, too beautiful, too ugly. there are elements of dichotomy within love itself, if not, contrasting meanings.
some people take their whole lives to find out what true love is, but then again, what is true? in which truth do people based their opinions about love to but themeselves? and is the truth in which we trust, right?
sometimes the people we choose to trust ends up hurting us. sometimes what we once thought was true love, ends up breaking us. we end up not believing in the existence of love, and live cold, bitter lives, when really love does exist. maybe true love doesn't but love really does.
there is never a definition for true love, for it does not exist, and even if it does, is perhaps too much for us to understand. it remains a mystery, like the place we call heaven, if not, God himself. we believe that he is there, but we cannot see. however, sometimes, the element of believing is really, just the only thing you need.
true love does not exist within a person, nor does it exist in the form of a person. true love happens when you learn to fall in love with someone, who this time, ends up staying, catching you and keeping you at arms reach, when you fall.
some people seek for true love in the wrong places, if not, the wrong people.
seeking in the wrong direction brings you nowhere, and seeking for whatever did not exist in the first place, is parallel to looking for complete and utter nothingness, the non existent will always remain nothing, no matter how hard you try to make it. the world does not listen to what you want it to become, the world does not care about what you want to make it, because whatever it makes, that is what you get.
i think about a lot of things.
the movement of time. the closeness of families. the wonderful smell of rain. the secrets within writings.
sometimes i would never get the answers, if not, a truth to the thoughts i am thinking, however take it day by day, the understanding of love, and meaning itself. and that makes all the difference.
i love you most ardently, 4:06 PM.
Friday, August 21, 2009
orsino and viola
as promised, rai i hope you like it. this is not another mother, daughter, story. even though the first part is kind of family-ish (:
i took the keys of my new dorm room off the dashboard, and tossed them, up and down, up and down.
"honey, please don't look so tortured."
i shot my mother a look.
my mother always has good intentions, but that's as far as she usually got.
"it's only college. four years will go by fast, just like that." she said, snapping her fingers.
but i knew the reality of time. it was something that had taken me, a while to figure out. some people needed forever, but i only needed a death. the reality of time, is that, it never goes by fast, unlike the snap of two fingers, time never moves fast.
so, like so many other times, i left mother with four words, which i knew, would keep on lingering, in both her thoughts and mine, forever,
"no mother. it won't"
and i climbed out of the car, and closed the door with my hip, not even bothering, or thinking of looking back.
as promised, rai i hope you like it. this is not another mother, daughter, story. even though the first part is kind of family-ish (:
i took the keys of my new dorm room off the dashboard, and tossed them, up and down, up and down.
"honey, please don't look so tortured."
i shot my mother a look.
my mother always has good intentions, but that's as far as she usually got.
"it's only college. four years will go by fast, just like that." she said, snapping her fingers.
but i knew the reality of time. it was something that had taken me, a while to figure out. some people needed forever, but i only needed a death. the reality of time, is that, it never goes by fast, unlike the snap of two fingers, time never moves fast.
so, like so many other times, i left mother with four words, which i knew, would keep on lingering, in both her thoughts and mine, forever,
"no mother. it won't"
and i climbed out of the car, and closed the door with my hip, not even bothering, or thinking of looking back.
***
it hasn't always been like this. i remembered, although vaguely, a time when mother and i were one. we were like a vase, held together, by father, the ever present glue of this family. he was like the cement, holding us together, the rubber, keeping us tight at arms reach, and amidst all that, the heart that kept us loving. father turned our rain into sunshine, and when he left, he took all the sunshine away with him, leaving me and mother with nothing but rain.
the death took more than his sunshine. it was like he had taken a piece of me, a big one, with him and sometimes at night, in the most fleeting of instances, as i lay down under my duvet with my eyes closed, i could often see him, climbing the steps of heaven, slowly. everyday he got further away from me, and yet, it wasn't always him. there was always this figure beside him. she was always a constant blur, but her figure got clearer and clearer each day, until i finally realized that, the figure was me.
it was kind of eerie, if not, scary to see myself walking up the steps of heaven with father. it was like he had taken me with him, whether dead or alive; at this stage i was confused. but father answered my question, one day. even though i never asked, he always did.
"you're not going to die. not for a long time."
"then why are you taking me up to heaven?"
"i'm not taking anything with me."
"but i am there, beside you."
"no you're not. some day, you will understand, my dear."
after that, daylight came, and with everything else, father disappeared, and never came back in my dreams.
***
"heads up."
i had never been good with reflexes, nor acting on impulse. so when the basketball came hurling at me, i did not catch it, but rather, let it hit the side of my face, first making me lose my balance, before finally falling to the ground.
"i am so sorry."
i looked up, and there in front of me was a guy. his hair was dark, and his eyes, green. he held out his hands, and i took it, feeling my balance returning, as he pulled me back up.
"are you okay?"
"im fine" i replied, short and concise.
we stood their in silence, in the middle of the road, the basketball field behind him, and everything else, behind me. this was beginning to feel like a hallmark moment, and afraid that he might ask me out afterwards, i smiled tightly at him and said,
we stood their in silence, in the middle of the road, the basketball field behind him, and everything else, behind me. this was beginning to feel like a hallmark moment, and afraid that he might ask me out afterwards, i smiled tightly at him and said,
"i should go."
"yeah." he said, then turned away, with the basketball under his arm.
***
his name was orsino, or so i had learnt the next day, when i bumped into him again at my first literature class. it was classic, like many other cheesy, sexist, novels which i've read in the past. the girl always meets the perfect guy who plays basketball and they lived happily ever after. i did not want to have a happily ever after, at least not this one. i decided that maybe nothing would happen, i didn't know whether to talk to him, or just keep to myself, but when i sat down, he made the decision for us, and decided to sit beside him.
"hi. i'm orsino."
"i'm viola."
and it was that, that brought use to whatever we were right now. the first words are always the hardest, whereas everything else is right now.
***
with orsino, everything was always about adventures, and stories one at a time. he was all about reminiscing and he told me stories, which is how i learnt so much about him, albeit, slowly. orsino was different. he was interesting.
he never wanted to play basketball and he was terrible at it, he admitted to me one day. the reasons as to why he played, nevertheless, remains unexplained, to which he himself still do not know the answer to.
orsino played the piano. he rode bikes around the college square in the evenings, and buys me subway sandwiches for dinner.
we were both named after the lovers from shakespeare's twelfth night, and when we were reading the play together for fun during the summer, he took a line out and kept on repeating,
when i walked out of the doors in the morning.
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
when i laughed as he threw a watermelon seed to my hair
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
when i fall asleep on his shoulders, as we sat down to watch the stars on the beach,
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
one day, orsino took me biking. as i climbed on his bike, and sat on the handlebars, feeling the rush of wind blowing against my skin, and orsino's hand grasping tightly against mine, i felt the inevitability of freedom, belonging and maybe, finally, love.
it was something i had missed for so long. with father gone, it had disappeared with him, but orsino brought it back, and it was like him telling me the tales that had happened so long ago, bringing back to the present, where what once i wished for were finally tangible.
orsino made me talk to mother. he did not tell me to do it directly, but with everything that he brought into me, i began to change. classic example of the perfect love, but i had it happening to me. it was all too cliche, but amazing at the very same time.
orsino was different, and i fell in love with him.
but he didn't feel the same way about me.
***
i haven't been talking to orsino for quite a while now. we have seperated, into different corners of the world, and even though we used to be best friends, if not, something, we weren't anything right now. there is just something that's so inevitable with time, you can never stop it from happening, like the power of growing apart. it just happens.
they say that the first boy is always the hardest. and this is true, in so many more ways than one.
it is hard to forget the first boy you fall in love with, and in my case, it is simply just impossible. orsino meant so much more to me than love itself.
orsino was special,
and maybe in some perfect world, we would be together, but not in this one.
***
there comes a time when you would have to go back, and so i did. i wanted to get over orsino, once and for all, and maybe the only way to do this was to return to where i had the memories of an orsino existing, and then take it from there. i wanted to feel his existence, for the very last time, before forgetting. at least then, i'd knew that i had something of him, still in me, still new and although intangible, definitely not unforgettable. so i went back to the college square and took a walk down the rocky path, i knew so very well. there was something about the power of reminiscing, especially when you're in the place where it happened, i can't quite put a finger on it, but being there made everything seemed real. i could feel orsino's presence and hear his bicycle bells, ringing from the distance, it was like he was there, right behind me, coming up within close proximity,
and when i turned around, he really was.
"orsino." i said.
he smiled at me, "climb up."
i sat on his handrails, and he pedalled away, slowly at first, before finally gaining momentum and speeding up.
i turned around,
"slow down, orsino."
"what? so you're afraid of this now?"
i shook my head. he laughed, and placed his hands over mine, and held it tightly, like he had done so many times before.
"why are you here?" i asked.
he shook his head, "why are you here?"
i smiled, "probably the same reason as you."
"i doubt it."
"so why are you here then?"
orsino stopped the bike, "do you really want to know?"
i smiled, "yes."
"i've been coming back here every year. they say the best way to forget someone is if you go back to where it all came from. i've been doing that, but i guess it doesn't work. maybe because the person i've been trying to forget is just meant to stay."
i smiled, " so who is this girl which you've never told me about?"
"i love you viola, always have and always will."
and it was then, in the most fleeting of instances that i got my questions answered. the grasp of my hand, the evenings on his bike's handlebars, sharing subway sandwiches, it all had to mean something, if not, anything. if someone is meant to stay, then they will stay, if it is true love, it will always happen, and time does not stop it from happening, but rather prolongs. there is nothing that could prevent the happenings of our forever, and when something is meant to happen, it will happen. whatever the consequences, true love will always happen.
"i love you too orsino, always have, and always will."
orsino smiled, and as he leaned down, taking me in a kiss that left me breathless, i saw something, other than him, something further, within the figments of my dreams, slowly coming back, slowly appearing, like a tale of some time long ago. it was father, he wasn't climbing the stairs to heaven anymore. he was somewhere else, somewhere beautiful, somewhere perfect, that my mind cannot even fathom. this time, he was smiling, as he looked at me, and i realized that something had changed. i was no longer beside him.
thank you father, thank you for everything.
i love you most ardently, 10:43 PM.
Monday, August 17, 2009
happy independence day indonesia
i love you most ardently, 11:17 AM.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
look at the rainbow. it's colorful, it's beautiful, it's real.
rain and rainbows
i cannot breathe, nor can i see the escape of this so called confinement.
it is like sinking, into the deep dark waters, with no escape. every time i push myself upwards, to find the escape, to finally breathe and let the sun touch my skin, realizing how i missed the feeling of the wonderful, wonderful sun, the waters would push me downwards. these instances were always so endless, surreal, eerie and beautiful at the same time. it is like a semiconscious dreamland, as the most fleeting of instances, and the shortest minutes of time, passes by like a whirlwind of memories, leaving me behind, and trying so hard to follow, as i paved myself a path to catch up with whatever had just finally, become.
dolly parton once said that if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. it has been raining for quite a while now, and the only thing that keeps me hoping, is the thought of a rainbow, of beautiful colors, of new promises, coming up, coming soon right after these drizzles. i miss runing out in the fields, flying kites, laughing and dancing under the sun's kisses, smelling flowers, stepping on pebbles. i miss the beautiful blue sky, and the wonderful day that it promises. but can it ever stop raining? something inside of me is still breaking, will the sky stop crying when my heart still hasn't found the perfect instance to stop breaking?i am naive. i have childish thoughts of beauty, promises, fullness, and perfection with you. youare my rainbow, out of this rain. you will be those promises i have for so longed awaited to hear. you will be the insignia of a new hope, of a new day, of finally breathing.
but these things won't happen, for they are not real. they remain the figments of some childish imaginations, and as much as i wished that he would be my rainbow, if not, could be, he will never be. maybe that's the alternative. maybe there is always another pavement, a wholly different promise coming out of this endless rain. maybe this time, the rainbow will stay, and the promise, kept.
the rainbow never causes the rain, but rather brings us further away from what once was rain.
maybe, all these times, the rainbow has never ever been, and will never be, you.
i love you most ardently, 8:36 PM.
Friday, August 14, 2009
burberry makes me smile
after some strange, and yet, super fun photo sesh at pe class and on the soccer field with my lomo, i went home, feeling sad and defeated because of the stupid heat, and other things just like that, story of my life, only to discover that someone had left this burberry, with a card for me, and a burberry bag inside, for me! it was just like the one i had always wanted, only smaller, but who cares, it's burberry, and it's amazing.
i shall take pictures, because really, this is too good to be true
if only i had a pink macbook with photobooth, or a digital camera that actually works! my new lg phone can't upload pictures, because of reasons, literally, beyond my understanding. lg works differently and it's so annoying that it does. i've been tinkering with it for quite a while now, but it still doesn't work.
anyways,
thank you so much kiume and kiukiu for getting me the lg bag.
i shall wear it tomorrow when i go out with grace, and take more lomo pictures with it (:
good night everybody
i shall sleep happily
after some strange, and yet, super fun photo sesh at pe class and on the soccer field with my lomo, i went home, feeling sad and defeated because of the stupid heat, and other things just like that, story of my life, only to discover that someone had left this burberry, with a card for me, and a burberry bag inside, for me! it was just like the one i had always wanted, only smaller, but who cares, it's burberry, and it's amazing.
i shall take pictures, because really, this is too good to be true
if only i had a pink macbook with photobooth, or a digital camera that actually works! my new lg phone can't upload pictures, because of reasons, literally, beyond my understanding. lg works differently and it's so annoying that it does. i've been tinkering with it for quite a while now, but it still doesn't work.
anyways,
thank you so much kiume and kiukiu for getting me the lg bag.
i shall wear it tomorrow when i go out with grace, and take more lomo pictures with it (:
good night everybody
i shall sleep happily
i love you most ardently, 6:21 PM.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
christmas presents
lomo holga starter kit- plastic lens makes things that much more beautiful
or just for when you're feeling nice (:
lomo holga starter kit- plastic lens makes things that much more beautiful
lomo action sampler- four pictures at once. i know, i know, i have the octomat and it's even more awesome, thanks kev, tom, andrew and mike for getting it, i love it (: but the action sampler is just too cute.
lomo diana mr pink- its pink and it takes awesome pictures
lomo diana mr pink- its pink and it takes awesome pictures
sony t 700 pink cybershot- my old red cybershot broke, for reasons beyond my understanding, so for the time being, i do not have a decent camera.
Becoming Jane Austen- by Jon Spence or Jane Austen- A life by Carol Shields- the long awaited biography of my favorite author. i would die if someone could tell me where to get this (:
the complete works of william shakespeare- they have it at times bookstore and i've been dreaming about reading it, forever. way too expensive, though. :(
pink macbook- i hope mother and father gets me this before i leave for melbourne. just like the one rebecca bloomwood, from confessions of a shopaholic, used.
i love window shopping online (:
i love you most ardently, 11:43 AM.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
orsino and violet
it has been a long time since i write about what i have been doing. i do write about what has been going on in my life, like with the whole morbid and depressing birthday entry, which i truly give my sincere apologies if it made you, loyal readers a.k.a jess, feel a tad bit disheartened when reading, because that's how i usually feel when i read pained and agonized type writing. i solemnly promise that by now i will no longer write something, that depressing anymore, even if it's true. so here's an update. i decided to make a list because lists are always that much more fun (:
1. my birthday is next thursday and i have been insanely browsing for the perfect place for my party on saturday. miraculously, one came up today, and i called them but haven't made any reservations since mother wants to ring them up first and talk things through before anything happens. so here i am, crossing my fingers and hoping that no one makes a reservation before mother comes home.
2. i am sinking slowly into homework hysteria. very, very slowly.
3. my melbourne enrollment papers are on their way here which is a tad bit strange. i can't imagine moving, nor doing the papers now. it's all too scary and fast at the same time.
4. i am thinking of writing another blog story, this time putting the whole family topic aside and actually writing something about love. i had a thought of naming the boy and the girl after two shakesperian lovers, but still haven't found the perfect name, so if anyone knows any, albeit, not Orsino and Violet, please tell me. otherwise, if im that desperate, i will use orsino and violet. violet is really not that bad, but orsino is a whole other story.
5. i currently have a scary obsession with loud angry girl music. go figure
6. english class is a whole lot of work and it's only the first week. i love the short stories we get to read though, and george orwell is now on my favorite author's list.
7. what i wrote on the birthday entry is still true and if you read it, you'd know that it's you and right now, i'm missing you more than ever.
8. i'm tired of writing about me. nothing has really changed at all, and i still can't stop thinking about you.
9. it's always nice to pretend anyways
10. i just decided that orsino and violet is the perfect name. so here goes nothing (:
it has been a long time since i write about what i have been doing. i do write about what has been going on in my life, like with the whole morbid and depressing birthday entry, which i truly give my sincere apologies if it made you, loyal readers a.k.a jess, feel a tad bit disheartened when reading, because that's how i usually feel when i read pained and agonized type writing. i solemnly promise that by now i will no longer write something, that depressing anymore, even if it's true. so here's an update. i decided to make a list because lists are always that much more fun (:
1. my birthday is next thursday and i have been insanely browsing for the perfect place for my party on saturday. miraculously, one came up today, and i called them but haven't made any reservations since mother wants to ring them up first and talk things through before anything happens. so here i am, crossing my fingers and hoping that no one makes a reservation before mother comes home.
2. i am sinking slowly into homework hysteria. very, very slowly.
3. my melbourne enrollment papers are on their way here which is a tad bit strange. i can't imagine moving, nor doing the papers now. it's all too scary and fast at the same time.
4. i am thinking of writing another blog story, this time putting the whole family topic aside and actually writing something about love. i had a thought of naming the boy and the girl after two shakesperian lovers, but still haven't found the perfect name, so if anyone knows any, albeit, not Orsino and Violet, please tell me. otherwise, if im that desperate, i will use orsino and violet. violet is really not that bad, but orsino is a whole other story.
5. i currently have a scary obsession with loud angry girl music. go figure
6. english class is a whole lot of work and it's only the first week. i love the short stories we get to read though, and george orwell is now on my favorite author's list.
7. what i wrote on the birthday entry is still true and if you read it, you'd know that it's you and right now, i'm missing you more than ever.
8. i'm tired of writing about me. nothing has really changed at all, and i still can't stop thinking about you.
9. it's always nice to pretend anyways
10. i just decided that orsino and violet is the perfect name. so here goes nothing (:
i love you most ardently, 4:49 PM.
