Wednesday, June 17, 2009
free falling
mommy always takes me to cranberry ridge on one saturday, every month. there was a big waterfall there where people would jump off and free fall. i wanted to do it, but mommy said i couldn't because i was still to young. she promised me that she would let me do it on my next birthday. and when my next birthday came, it was a saturday, and we went early in the morning but never arrived.
i don't know where cranberry ridge is because i always fall asleep on the way, in the car.
all i would remember of these saturdays was waking up to the sound of mommy packing our lunch downstairs and daddy flipping the newspapers.
daddy never goes with us, because he's afraid of heights. the one and only thing that my super brave, super strong dad is afraid of.
before the clock strikes seven, daddy would come up with a cup of milk and wake me up.
"time for your day out with mommy."
when i arrived outside the house, always in a ponytail, dressed in gray osh kosh overals and pink converse sneakers, mommy would already be in the driver's seat tinkering with the radio. daddy would finish up loading the car with out picnic stuff then close the back door and then wave us both goodbyes as mommy pulled away from the driveway.
i would always sit in the front seat right beside mommy and fall asleep. sometimes mommy would put one hand on my knee and drum her fingers to the beat of the radio, while humming me to sleep. other times she would have both hands on the wheel, her eyes set straight to the road ahead. however, i knew that one thing remained certain,
i would always fall asleep on the way there, and my mother would always, and forever, be beside me.
except for today.
i was in the front seat, awake. daddy had already finished loading the back of the car but mommy wasn't sitting beside me. the radio wasn't on, and for once, with no music on i finally discovered how extremely empty and loud silence can be.
daddy climbed in the car and sat down beside me, his hands on the steering wheel.
"ready?"
i nodded, and he pulled away from the driveway.
i kept my eyes open, all the way to cranberry ridge. i was scared of closing them, scared that if i let it lie shut i would once again loose something if not someone i love. everything was the same way, i was still in my gray osh kosh overalls which were getting a little to tight for me, i still had my pink converse on, and my hair tied in a ponytail. everything was the same, except for the fact that i did not fall asleep and mommy isn't there.
we passed a lot of wet fields, and i could see cows and horses grazing in the muck. the countryside was quaint and green, but i didn't want to notice it, or see it. all i wanted to see was the mountain point diner. When we passed mountain point diner, the neon sign that reads it's name immediately caught my attention. there was a huge dent right near the bottom. i was asleep when i lost mommy.
"we're going to be okay. i promise you honey, we're going to be okay."
"hello? yes. i would like to report an accident. there are two people in the car. they both have their eyes closed."
"honey if anything ever happens, you know that i'll always be with you right?"
"goodbye my sweet darling. goodbye beautiful."
when i woke up, mommy wasn't beside me, and for once in my life, i was alone.
"we're here"
i could feel a familiar breeze blowing against my skin, and the smell of water, wafting somewhere around the atmosphere in some perfect density. we're here.
daddy got out of the car and closed the door from behind him.
he took me out and flung me onto his shoulders.
"cranberry ridge here we come."
"did you bring your swimsuit?"
i nodded.
daddy was already in his swim trunks, smilng at me.
i put my swimsuit that mummy and i bought last summer together. i wanted a green one but mommy chose pink
"it'll look really pretty on you."
she was right, it did. she was always right.
when i went out with my swimsuit on, daddy was already waiting, his feet dangling down off the ridge.
"are you ready?"
i nodded and held his hand. my fingers were trembling.
"one, two.."
"wait daddy." i said.
he looked down at me,
"aren't you afraid of heights?"
he shook his head,
"i'm more afraid of seeing you unhappy."
"i've been coming here everyday, if there was one thing i could do, for both you and mommy is to make my self not be afraid of heights anymore."
"so you're no longer afraid?"
daddy shook his head.
and i smiled. for the first time after a year, after what happened, after loosing mommy and hearing the repeated i feel sorry for you,
i was able to smile.
"are you ready?"
one, two, three.
and daddy and i jumped.
the wind was blowing against us and i was still holding on to daddy.
"honey, mommy promises you, you'll never be alone. whatever you do you'll never be alone."
there was something about falling.
how it seemed endless and yet fleeting at the same time.
the way it made me realize that, i'm not alone, i will never be, i still have daddy.
"thankyou mommy, thankyou for everything."
and then i landed with a splash in the waters beneath me.
mommy always takes me to cranberry ridge on one saturday, every month. there was a big waterfall there where people would jump off and free fall. i wanted to do it, but mommy said i couldn't because i was still to young. she promised me that she would let me do it on my next birthday. and when my next birthday came, it was a saturday, and we went early in the morning but never arrived.
i don't know where cranberry ridge is because i always fall asleep on the way, in the car.
all i would remember of these saturdays was waking up to the sound of mommy packing our lunch downstairs and daddy flipping the newspapers.
daddy never goes with us, because he's afraid of heights. the one and only thing that my super brave, super strong dad is afraid of.
before the clock strikes seven, daddy would come up with a cup of milk and wake me up.
"time for your day out with mommy."
when i arrived outside the house, always in a ponytail, dressed in gray osh kosh overals and pink converse sneakers, mommy would already be in the driver's seat tinkering with the radio. daddy would finish up loading the car with out picnic stuff then close the back door and then wave us both goodbyes as mommy pulled away from the driveway.
i would always sit in the front seat right beside mommy and fall asleep. sometimes mommy would put one hand on my knee and drum her fingers to the beat of the radio, while humming me to sleep. other times she would have both hands on the wheel, her eyes set straight to the road ahead. however, i knew that one thing remained certain,
i would always fall asleep on the way there, and my mother would always, and forever, be beside me.
except for today.
i was in the front seat, awake. daddy had already finished loading the back of the car but mommy wasn't sitting beside me. the radio wasn't on, and for once, with no music on i finally discovered how extremely empty and loud silence can be.
daddy climbed in the car and sat down beside me, his hands on the steering wheel.
"ready?"
i nodded, and he pulled away from the driveway.
i kept my eyes open, all the way to cranberry ridge. i was scared of closing them, scared that if i let it lie shut i would once again loose something if not someone i love. everything was the same way, i was still in my gray osh kosh overalls which were getting a little to tight for me, i still had my pink converse on, and my hair tied in a ponytail. everything was the same, except for the fact that i did not fall asleep and mommy isn't there.
we passed a lot of wet fields, and i could see cows and horses grazing in the muck. the countryside was quaint and green, but i didn't want to notice it, or see it. all i wanted to see was the mountain point diner. When we passed mountain point diner, the neon sign that reads it's name immediately caught my attention. there was a huge dent right near the bottom. i was asleep when i lost mommy.
"we're going to be okay. i promise you honey, we're going to be okay."
"hello? yes. i would like to report an accident. there are two people in the car. they both have their eyes closed."
"honey if anything ever happens, you know that i'll always be with you right?"
"goodbye my sweet darling. goodbye beautiful."
when i woke up, mommy wasn't beside me, and for once in my life, i was alone.
"we're here"
i could feel a familiar breeze blowing against my skin, and the smell of water, wafting somewhere around the atmosphere in some perfect density. we're here.
daddy got out of the car and closed the door from behind him.
he took me out and flung me onto his shoulders.
"cranberry ridge here we come."
"did you bring your swimsuit?"
i nodded.
daddy was already in his swim trunks, smilng at me.
i put my swimsuit that mummy and i bought last summer together. i wanted a green one but mommy chose pink
"it'll look really pretty on you."
she was right, it did. she was always right.
when i went out with my swimsuit on, daddy was already waiting, his feet dangling down off the ridge.
"are you ready?"
i nodded and held his hand. my fingers were trembling.
"one, two.."
"wait daddy." i said.
he looked down at me,
"aren't you afraid of heights?"
he shook his head,
"i'm more afraid of seeing you unhappy."
"i've been coming here everyday, if there was one thing i could do, for both you and mommy is to make my self not be afraid of heights anymore."
"so you're no longer afraid?"
daddy shook his head.
and i smiled. for the first time after a year, after what happened, after loosing mommy and hearing the repeated i feel sorry for you,
i was able to smile.
"are you ready?"
one, two, three.
and daddy and i jumped.
the wind was blowing against us and i was still holding on to daddy.
"honey, mommy promises you, you'll never be alone. whatever you do you'll never be alone."
there was something about falling.
how it seemed endless and yet fleeting at the same time.
the way it made me realize that, i'm not alone, i will never be, i still have daddy.
"thankyou mommy, thankyou for everything."
and then i landed with a splash in the waters beneath me.
i love you most ardently, 2:18 PM.
