Thursday, October 15, 2009
shadows
i am your sister. i am the shadow that you hide in.
these sophomoric thoughts you have, i do not blame them.
your stolid conducts, and the inability of you to tell me what's wrong, most of the times, i thought was an inevitable part of you. it was the fine line defining our personalities. i was the one who talked when you would rather prefer silence as your form of loudness. your world is obscure. we live in tangents, our convictions leading up to the right direction, but never entering each other's hearts. we touch but we do not enter. we see but we do not understand. but one thing will always make us one, interweaving our thoughts and emotions, and yet slowly tearing us apart.
it is the thought that i make shadows, and in these shadows, you find the obligation to fall and follow.
you remain an enigma, and your thoughts are ones which i have always failed to condone. you surprised me and finally told me what's wrong. it was then did i finally realize that some things are better left unsaid. however, time is inevitable, and we cannot take back or disregard what has already been said. it haunts us like ghosts, when we try to deny. and living in denial is never easy, out of all people, you should be the one who knows best.
i do not exist to make you fall. i do not exist solely to be a shadow which you must abide in, all the days of your life. i do not live in one direction, i sway, i fall, i break, and sometimes i never want to get up. i make the biggest mistakes of all, and yet these never seem to matter, what matters is what you presume is perfection when really it never is.
my pretensions are often what you see as right. it is far more complex then becoming what i want to be, and even better. i want to be a psychologist, you want to be a brain surgeon. i read austen, you read dickens. i write poetries, you write whole stories. i play soccer, you play everything else.
it is all me to blame, for continuously painting this shadow. it is never more than a masquerade of perfection. i live in this acute world of plastic convictions, synthetic passions, and artificial dreams. they are all built on sand, ready to tumble down with the slightest bit of a huge wind, and then i'll have nothing left.
i remember those days when we used to be one. we would play monster trucks in the backyard, fanning ourselves with paper. as we got older, the nights were filled with endless stories, first crushes, first failures, first heartbreaks, first perfect grades. i always had stories of firsts, for i always did things first. i was given the immortal power of discovery, the ability to see the world, and understand it first. you kept quiet in these stories, because there are never instances when you were ever first. you remained second, in almost everything, regardless of the equal love our parents have for us, regardless of what the world thinks. you always remained second, as long as you continued abiding your existence within the presence of my shadow.
this thing that we have between us, it places an inevitable weight over the strands that intertwines us together. it leaves us completely bereft of the understanding that we should have, as brothers and sisters. our hearts remain impoverish and longs for the love that we should have for each other, as equals. not as competition but for once, as a family.
i detest myself for making these shadows. these plastic reflections that tricks you into following. it puts as much weight on me to always try to be perfect, and become a shadow that is worthy for you to follow. i am never that, not even close, but i try, and most of the times, i hope that i don't disappoint.
sometimes i wish that we could just live lives parallel to each other. that sibling rivalries never exist, and competition an unfathomable piece of understanding. sometimes i wish that you would just step out of my shadows, and become something different, something better, something wholly different than what i am. i loathe the boundaries that form between us as competition arise. i loathe being a mere shadow and seeing you fall because of it. i loathe the existence of shadows, deciding our fate, and slowly pushing us downwards to a state of emotional destitude. after all, shadows only remain, reflections of light, and nothing else. mere breeches of a venal and broken world.
there aren't any if's, these questions are inevitable.
but whatever happens, i know one thing's for sure,
i shall remain your sister.
and i will love you, no matter what.
i am your sister. i am the shadow that you hide in.
these sophomoric thoughts you have, i do not blame them.
your stolid conducts, and the inability of you to tell me what's wrong, most of the times, i thought was an inevitable part of you. it was the fine line defining our personalities. i was the one who talked when you would rather prefer silence as your form of loudness. your world is obscure. we live in tangents, our convictions leading up to the right direction, but never entering each other's hearts. we touch but we do not enter. we see but we do not understand. but one thing will always make us one, interweaving our thoughts and emotions, and yet slowly tearing us apart.
it is the thought that i make shadows, and in these shadows, you find the obligation to fall and follow.
you remain an enigma, and your thoughts are ones which i have always failed to condone. you surprised me and finally told me what's wrong. it was then did i finally realize that some things are better left unsaid. however, time is inevitable, and we cannot take back or disregard what has already been said. it haunts us like ghosts, when we try to deny. and living in denial is never easy, out of all people, you should be the one who knows best.
i do not exist to make you fall. i do not exist solely to be a shadow which you must abide in, all the days of your life. i do not live in one direction, i sway, i fall, i break, and sometimes i never want to get up. i make the biggest mistakes of all, and yet these never seem to matter, what matters is what you presume is perfection when really it never is.
my pretensions are often what you see as right. it is far more complex then becoming what i want to be, and even better. i want to be a psychologist, you want to be a brain surgeon. i read austen, you read dickens. i write poetries, you write whole stories. i play soccer, you play everything else.
it is all me to blame, for continuously painting this shadow. it is never more than a masquerade of perfection. i live in this acute world of plastic convictions, synthetic passions, and artificial dreams. they are all built on sand, ready to tumble down with the slightest bit of a huge wind, and then i'll have nothing left.
i remember those days when we used to be one. we would play monster trucks in the backyard, fanning ourselves with paper. as we got older, the nights were filled with endless stories, first crushes, first failures, first heartbreaks, first perfect grades. i always had stories of firsts, for i always did things first. i was given the immortal power of discovery, the ability to see the world, and understand it first. you kept quiet in these stories, because there are never instances when you were ever first. you remained second, in almost everything, regardless of the equal love our parents have for us, regardless of what the world thinks. you always remained second, as long as you continued abiding your existence within the presence of my shadow.
this thing that we have between us, it places an inevitable weight over the strands that intertwines us together. it leaves us completely bereft of the understanding that we should have, as brothers and sisters. our hearts remain impoverish and longs for the love that we should have for each other, as equals. not as competition but for once, as a family.
i detest myself for making these shadows. these plastic reflections that tricks you into following. it puts as much weight on me to always try to be perfect, and become a shadow that is worthy for you to follow. i am never that, not even close, but i try, and most of the times, i hope that i don't disappoint.
sometimes i wish that we could just live lives parallel to each other. that sibling rivalries never exist, and competition an unfathomable piece of understanding. sometimes i wish that you would just step out of my shadows, and become something different, something better, something wholly different than what i am. i loathe the boundaries that form between us as competition arise. i loathe being a mere shadow and seeing you fall because of it. i loathe the existence of shadows, deciding our fate, and slowly pushing us downwards to a state of emotional destitude. after all, shadows only remain, reflections of light, and nothing else. mere breeches of a venal and broken world.
there aren't any if's, these questions are inevitable.
but whatever happens, i know one thing's for sure,
i shall remain your sister.
and i will love you, no matter what.
i love you most ardently, 5:40 PM.
