Monday, November 16, 2009

sometimes all i ever wish for is understanding,

from my parents

high expectations puts this inevitable weight on me. i love the idea of studying deep into the night, a joust of coffee never hurts, and seeing mother peek around the corner to remind me to always sleep earlier. i love how mother hugs me after seeing my report cards gets sent home and how father would pat me on the head and say, keep up the good work. i love how mother would let my cry on her shoulders in cases when i do not achieve the score i want, and remind me to always keep trying. however, i often feel this incessant pressure, like a dark cloud hovering over the horizon, smiling subtly, and yet with such inevitable smugness and irony. i see the look of disappointment, although slight and often fleeting, crossing mother's face every time i bring home news of not doing as well, if not, at all well, to her. although she tries to hide it, there are times when emotions are too strong that they replete and sympathy or words of wisdom becomes spurious.

and so, i try so hard to avoid seeing mother's disappointment.

i try so hard to keep father patting on my head.

it is never impossible, but sometimes it is often difficult.

i love learning, i love understanding. i love exposure to vast knowledge and discovering the stories of the world, constructed by figments of imagination belonging the many makers of history. most stories of which still remained untold.

and yet, sometimes too much can simply often be too much, leaving me feeling completely enervated.

right now, i realize that my parents no longer make expectations, i make my own.

and most of the times, the boundaries i set are too far, too impossible, i need mother and father back, to once again draw out the boundaries that are attainable, and to always remind me to

shoot for the moon, even if i miss, i'll land among the stars.

friends

i am coming into this period of time in my life where i realize how naive i have been, for quite some time, about my outlooks on friendship, and how now, loyalty is often imperative. i have found my true friends, and yet they are still changing as the pages of time and what seemingly look like a forever, unfold. sure there are ones who may have stuck it out with me, from beginning to the end, but then there are ones who have remained hidden, superficial, completely changing, in their transient existence, and sometimes i find solace in them, and yet, this solace would often disappear due time, as we would grow apart. it is not of idiosyncratic nature that friendship breaks and people grow apart, it happens every time. however sometimes it confuses me to see how such close friendship, which perhaps once resembled sisters of some sort, could break and become nothing within merely just a day. it shows me just how true some friendships can and cannot be, and how anger often proliferates and propagate hatred, influencing others to do the same. misconceptions and misunderstandings takes over and we are left with a gap growing wider and wider, seperating us into little worlds of confinement, back to where we were, even further, before we ever became friends or acknowledge each other as people.

it is then do we realize the shallowness and superficiality of some friendship,

and the irreplaceable existence of solid and true friends,

i am glad to know who my true friends are.

myself

amidst the inexorable coldness of my room, and the impenetrably dark skies outside, lit up to some extent by the smiling moon, i think about how i know so little of myself, and how most of the times i fail to understand my own demeanors. there is an effect, which the night aggravates on people, if not me, a transient hiatus from the hysteria of mathematics and studying for mid-exams. the inability of me to fathom myself often causes me to do things that i will in the latter regret. sometimes i think that i am the antagonist to my own existence.

and it is scary to think how easily i often fall, and i find it hard, most of the times, to often trust in myself. with some luck, i know that someday i might be able to understand myself, fully and completely, but right now, trying is often what really matters, and i know that despite the first step being always the hardest, we can never get anywhere without taking those first steps.

sometimes all i need is understanding, from a whole variety of people, just a modicum amount of understanding, that i believe can take me a long way.

sometimes all i need is a break, a euphoric hiatus, to think, and enjoy. to find delight, love wholly and completely, embark on adventures galore, and be able to smile without reciting the GINI coefficient of Indonesia, the different functions of proteins, or whatever it is i learnt at school that day

sometimes all i need is fantasy, an escape from reality at least for a while to a world where running in the rain and riding into the sunset are actually tangible imaginations, and where i can weave all my dreams into reality with just a click of the heel.

sometimes all i need is just for you to say i love you, because then, no fantasy could ever surpass the irreplaceable happiness received from feeling loved.

i love you most ardently, 10:56 PM.