Thursday, December 3, 2009
the only way i can talk to you
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 corinthians 13
i'm tired of pretending like i am fine. i am tired of having to live with this inevitable silence and a gap that is growing bigger, and bigger by day. i am tired of eating boxes and boxes of chocolates while telling myself that it wasn't my fault, that it still isn't my fault. i am tired of pretending like i am happy, of putting on the facade of happiness just to tell you that i don't need you, that i will be fine without you.
because at the end of the day, i realize that by doing this things i do not get anything. we're still not talking, and i don't know what's wrong. i am tired of coming home feeling like i've won, that i've proven that i can live without you, because from that, i get nothing except an interminable emptiness, one which you're not there to fill.
the only way i could talk to you is here, because you would never listen. not when i attempt to talk to you at school, nor when i call you or text you.
if i did something wrong, i'm sorry
if i didn't understand, i'm sorry
if i made your life a whole lot more complicated, i'm sorry
if i made your grades slip, i'm sorry
if i am never able to make you happy, i'm sorry
if i often made your mom angry at you, i'm sorry
if i make mistakes and blame it all on you, i'm sorry
i am the worse person ever, and i know that. i know that everything that happened now, and before, it has always been my fault. i don't deserve you, or what you were. i never did.
but i can't stand the silence that is growing louder by day, or the sinking feeling i get when i pass you in the hallways without saying hello, leaving me trying so hard to desperately hold back tears.
please say something, if not, anything.
because you know that i'll always love you, out of everyone else, you should be the one to know that best.
and sometimes, like you once said, that is all that ever matters.
i love you most ardently, 3:51 PM.
