Saturday, January 2, 2010
i will be no longer
i thought of this story awhile back. it remained unwritten because the thought of writing was scary enough, until i discovered that not writing it is even scarier. this story is not about me, nor anyone i know of. but this story can be about anyone.
the party was at full swing while i sat still and motionless in my bedroom.
i loathed resilience, and patience at it's best.
i loathed smiles turned upside down by the triviality of love and lies of so called lovers.
i loathed not being able to save myself, not now and not ever.
what is ironic is the fact that i am a feminist at heart.
i believe in women, that being but not limited to the fact that we are capable of functioning without men.
i believe in strength and pugnacity.
however, there comes a time when even the most radical feminist, no longer has the strength to go on.
because we have become victims of falling, likewise, bamboozled by the wrath of love in itself which can surpass all forms of strength that one can ever offer.
there is always a limit to grieving, but there is also a limit to resilience. the eternal hell on earth can be found with every heartbreak, as superficial and shallow that may be, it is nevertheless true.
please understand how difficult this is for me. i am tired of your florid, superfluous demeanors, and your modicum understanding. i am tired of drowning myself in memories. i am tired of writing these cliches over and over again.
i sit at night, cutting our polaroids and then sticking the pieces back together. i am fickle, i can never forget but i can never love you the same way again. and yet, as difficult as it is, or as it will be, i want you to kiss me on my forehead, and put your arms around the small of my waist, regardless of how much a touch would hurt me, the inescapable scars i have, with you, misery always comes at it's best.
i turn my music so loud, too loud most of the times and listen to the music you gave me, the melodies you weaved in through my soul, a pathetic and inevitably desperate attempt to bring back your existence. because now you're ethereal, an apparition of the past, and i have to learn to accept the non existent, and live within my own surreal and oblique desires.
i am the girl without a happily ever after. i am a girl with a story cut short, ending at falling, and ceasing to exist without my prince on a white horse, without my tiara and sparkling castle. i am the girl with a story untold, dying slowly as i suffocate and gasp for love, for you to once again, pick me up and just hold me.
everyone deserves a happily ever after?
happily ever afters do not exist.
come, surprise me,
make me believe in fairytales and the naivety of love.
because even then, no happily ever after would be able to save me.
the party was at full swing. i sat down slowly, something shiny, silver and sharp within my grasp.
it was just me and the scary and comforting color of red, the rest of the night.
just us against the world,
hoping that when i wake up,
i will be no longer.
i love you most ardently, 8:04 PM.
