Sunday, January 31, 2010
like gravity, like the stars
stars some million lightyears away,
burn because of a nuclear fusion reaction
caused by a very strong gravitational pull.
they would rather burn than dawdle into darkness,
for if they stop burning,
they explode into tiny shattered pieces,
into a supernovae,
into a black hole,
sucking everything around it into void,
into nonentity.
they die.
i made a mistake,
and it is so hard for me to tell you how much i regret what i did.
when all you needed was me to be silent,
and there for you,
i wanted something else,
i always wanted something else.
but something else is never tangible
for i have to burn in order to live,
i have to withstand the inconceivable hurt,
and everything that comes along with it,
for if i don't
i break, i shatter,
i die in a thousand besprinkled pieces
and now i know how that feels
i still stay up at night,
waiting for your text message saying i love you to come.
i still check my phone every morning,
to see whether you said good morning
but now,
these things are ethereal,
hiding and dispelling into some million galaxies far away,
the gravity that kept me burning ,
that kept me shining,
is gone.
the gravity that made me a star,
left me to die slowly on my own.
all i wanted was to not feel hurt,
but hurt is inevitable,
because hurt is what keeps me living,
regardless of how long gravity would keep me burning,
i would rather burn,
then seeing gravity leave,
and letting me die.
you wanted to stop hurting people,
that was what you wanted,
have you ever thought that maybe the only way to stop hurting people,
is to let them feel hurt,
because maybe,
hurt is what keeps them living?
you told me that your life is too dark,
too horrible,
that it would be selfish of you to let me be apart of it,
that you don't want to hurt me in the end.
have you ever cared to hear my story?
because no one has the perfect life,
and sometimes it only takes one person to turn all the broken pieces,
into perfection.
you told me that i'll be better off without you,
though you saying that made me cry,
realizing how much you care,
i now realize that maybe
crying every night to sleep,
and waking up with a cloud hanging above my head,
is not better off.
you know that i am now not better off,
not even close,
not even ever.
i told you that the thought of you not being there is scarier than hurting,
and i know that now for sure.
you told me to cheer up
and that the world isn't falling apart.
well, maybe your world isn't
but mine sure is.
and i know that the only way out of this, is if i get my gravity back.
i love you most ardently, 10:54 AM.
