Saturday, January 16, 2010
paradise
sometimes it takes forever to find paradise,
and even then paradise would still end up shutting it's doors,
leaving you to fall endlessly into an abyss, perhaps for another forever.
but just how long is forever?
my mother is dying of cancer,
and i do not know how to save her.
the doctors said all she ever needed were lymphocytes,
an amount that is adequate enough to put her into remission,
though even that would not save mother,
but only make her live a little bit longer,
with a little less pain.
when i first found out that mother had cancer,
i was seven years old,
and it was the beginning of winter.
mother did not cry,
she never cried,
father was there by her side,
and they started decorating the house together,
drowning the coldness and bitterness of the truth,
with cinnamon scented, chestnut roasting on open fire,
yuletide spirit.
they told me to write a letter to santa claus telling him what i wanted,
and so i did.
i told santa that i wanted limfocites (my spelling did eventually get better) for mother,
incognizant of what they were,
only acknowledging the fact that they were like magic potions,
that could magically cure her.
when christmas day came,
and mother started coughing out blood,
the doctors said she still desperately needed lymphocytes.
ever since that christmas,
i stopped believing in santa claus.
the doctors did some tests on father,
then me after.
sure the needles did hurt,
but i was willing to do anything,
even give up my whole life,
for mother.
and when i found out i couldn't
i discovered that it was very easy for me to hate myself more and more everyday.
now mother is sleeping on her bed,
right next to mine,
she is too weak to talk,
or even move her tiny, frail fingers.
she finds it hard to breathe,
and her skin is pale,
like a chinese porcelain doll,
ever so fragile, and ready to break,
any moment now.
i always knew that i lived with death right beside me.
happiness had always been relative,
mother's disease was a drug in itself,
it gave me this ineffable soporific effect,
i have been living in this semiconscious dreamland,
all through my life,
and i knew that the only way i could escape,
was if mother died,
though the thought of her dying seemed so much scarier than living in this bubble,
sometimes i think about what it would be like to finally be able to live a life,
to wake up from this dream,
and finally,
live.
sometimes i think of that revelation as perhaps,
paradise.
now coughing blood has become something so mundane,
mother remained dormant on her bed,
sometimes she would wake up when i sit right beside her,
and just look at me,
with eyes so hollow and dark,
that they were almost haunting.
they looked to me for help, for resilience,
for strength,
for healing.
i was adamant that mother wasn't going to die.
she will never die,
i will never let that happen.
"please stop love."
donor lymphocytes infusion, otherwise known as the DLI, is a cancer treatment.
"it's four am."
lymphocytes are infused from a bone marrow donor into a person who has formerly received a bone marrow transplant.
"you've been working all night"
the DLI induces a remission through a process called graft-versus-tumor to kill residual cancer cells
"you look very tired."
an allogenic donor is mandatory. otherwise known as the perfect match.
"honey, your mother died fifteen years ago"
even then, the chances of a patient surviving is still not a guarantee
"you can't save her anymore. it's too late."
i wished for life,
to be able to escape from the entangling cords of death,
and finally breathe,
i wished for paradise,
only to discover that like so many other things,
paradise is relative.
i just need some time,
to comprehend the concepts of lymphocytes,
and understand why i could not save my mother's life,
perhaps it would take forever,
but then again,
forever could not be that long could it?
for only if i could save my mother's life,
would i be able to find paradise.
even if it takes,
forever.
i love you most ardently, 3:34 PM.
